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Why Hollywood has Completely Run Out of Ideas

Hollywood is by no means the most original industry around. Pretty much every movie is based on a book, comic book, TV show or is simply a remake of a previous movie. However, Hollywood has definitely hit a new low with its new hyped summer blockbuster “Transformers the Movie�. You might be saying to yourself, hey didn’t they already make a Transformers movie and didn’t it feature Orson Wells as Unicron. Well, you are correct, they did make an animated movie that I’m sure cinematic genius Orson Wells is happy turned out to be his last one and is the only thing nerds remember about him. But, this Transformers movie is, hold onto your pants, LIVE ACTION!!!! Now they didn’t actually create robots that can change into cars, guns, boom boxes and backhoes, but it will feature some really expensive computer graphics to make these ridiculous robots seem as real as possible. Now why, you’re asking yourself would Hollywood spend millions of dollars on a 20 year old cartoon that’s only purpose was to sell cheaply made Chinese toys? Well the answer is Hollywood has completely run out of ideas. Hollywood is run by a bunch of out of touch rich, possibly gay, old men that have no idea what people want to see. They pay market research groups millions of dollars to find out what the kids like nowadays, and all they do is look what the latest stupid trend is and tell them that’s what’s hot. Right now the hot market trend is nerds. They apparently has lots of disposable income, what with living with their parents and not having a girlfriend, not that there’s anything wrong with that. Video games, comic books and cartoons are the things nerds are most interested in so obviously Hollywood is trying to cash in on the trend by making as many movies about these topics as possible before it stops being hot. Transformers is just the latest lame concept they have decided to put on the screen. Transformers is such a horrible idea for a movie because the premise itself is totally retarded. Robots eating energy cubes crash land on earth and fight other evil robots for energy cubes and control of the planet or something. First of if they can turn into other things i.e. vehicles, why can’t one of them become a spaceship and fly them home? Now your saying, oh that’s because they can’t grow larger when they transform and become a big enough ship to hold them all. Well Megatron has disproved that conservation of mass law, every time he becomes a gun and shrinks to ¼ his normal size. So all they need to do is build a Transformer that does the opposite, grows larger and becomes a ship, it’s that simple, stupid robots should have thought of that themselves. Secondly there was never really a real plot to Transformers, it was merely a 30 minute commercial each week for Hasbro to unveil its new toy for all the kids to buy. If Transformers followed any logic at all why would there be Dinobots? So Transformers started as Robots that became Dinosaurs then evolved into robots that became vehicles, which makes no sense. It goes against the Cyber-Bible that says that Unicron created the world and all the Transformers in 6.778975467 nanoseconds and rested on the 7.676784484 nanosecond. Lastly the movie will suck because Michael Bay is directing it. Michael Bay is a douche. He directed Bad Boys and Pearl Harbor, two huge suck fests. Now you might be saying, hey I kind of liked Bad Boys, did you really? Would your life be any less fulfilling if you didn’t see Martin Lawrence and Will Smith making snappy dialogue while blowing up things, I thought not. Michael Bay sucks and his movies suck too, if he were a Transformer he would turn into a tampon, not a small one a giant one. Hollywood is yet again trying to capitalize on something that was popular before rather than create something new and interesting. If they continue at this rate in a couple of years we’ll all be standing in line to see the live action Pokemon movie, I hear they’re going to use the original guy that did Pikachu’s voice, sw33t!!!

How the Internet is Ruining Movies

I came across a site today with concept art for the extremely hyped new movie, Transformers. As usual the nerds were all up in arms over the changes made to their beloved Autobots and Decepticons. But what none of these morons bothered to mention is that these were merely concept sketches and might not be anything like the finished product in the movie. By constantly having to take criticism about a movie before it is done directors are feeling pressure to alter their movies. Even a few years ago the amount of attention to people’s opinions on the internet was minimal from Hollywood. However, now movie studios and directors are paying more attention to these obsessive fan boy opinions. A negative response from them can generate enough bad publicity to kill a movie prior to it opening. For example the Hulk was ridiculed for its special effects (which were incomplete at the time) by internet bloggers which led to the movie having a poor opening. Now Hollywood is constantly concerned with appeasing all of these fanboys concerns before the movie opens lest they have a negative impact on the box office. This does not often lead to a better movie though. For example certain scenes of dialogue were changed in Snakes on a Plane, per internet requests by bloggers, but the movie still was barely tolerable. This leads to reason why so many movies are terrible, they are trying to please too many people. Directors can’t even have a completed movie before being criticized on it. Now if one piece of concept art gets criticized by a website the studio will be so panicked that they will rush to change it. Movies are no longer just the vision of a few people such as the director and writer, but become a huge compromise of thousands. In books and comic books, a writer is able to produce a finished product that is for the most part like his original vision. But with today’s big budget movies directors are forced to listen to every ones opinion about what should and shouldn’t go into the movie. People are more interested in movies than ever and want as much information about them as is available. But, people need to wait until a movie is complete before judging if it is good or not. Movies like any type of art are best when they are the product of one or a few artists. Trying to make a movie with a populist point of view where everyone is happy leads to the lame, uninteresting drivel that we see at the movies everyday.

Harry Knowles is a Fat Douche

I am writing about my extreme odious loathing of the fire maned humanoid-like blob of cellulite, Harry Knowles and his ilk. My main problem with him, besides his physical repugnance that would cause the most staunch conservative to support a broad eugenics program, is his crappy uber-nerd inspired "movie reviews". Movie reviews is in quotations because they are not so much reviews as his own retarded opinions on the latest hollywood comicbook/videogame/sci-fi/fantasy novel movie crapfest. His like or dislike of movies are based on his extreme obsessiveness for the movie being as close to the source material as possible (sorry that Wolverine didn't have enough chest hair for your liking shitdick). My other problem is that this so called "film lover" has no idea what even constitutes an actual good movie. His movie knowledge only goes back to 1977 not surprisingly the year the first Star Wars was released (yes I know it is episode IV nerdlings, but to the vast majority of the population that actually has had intercourse no one gives a fuck). Apparently the greatest directors of all time are George Lucas and Stephen Spielberg, fuck those guys like Coppola, Hitchcock, Scorcese, etc. they don't have enough laser swords or nazis on zeppelins to be real auteurs. Evidence of his horrible taste in cinema is shown by his glowing reviews of nearly every crappy hollywood f/x fest that comes his way. Take a look at these movies that he just couldn't stop gushing about: Snakes on a Plane, Lady in the Water, Monster House, Click, Superman Returns, Mission Impossible III, The New World. About the only movie he didn't like was X-Men 3 because apparently it didn't fulfill his masturbatory fantasy of what the Phoenix would look like in real life. Here is an actual quote on why he didn't like the movie, "I continue to be quite fond of Shawn Ashmore’s Bobby Drake – though I’d kill to see him actually ICEMAN out. Ya know? Icing up to deliver a headbutt is just lame to me". My god, MY GOD, people actually go to this site to see if a movie is good or not. Hmm, well here's a plausible senario, Hey honey lets take the kids out to a movie tonight. I wonder what we should see? I've heard that X-Men 3 is good, but I just don't know if its something we would all like. Let me just go onto the internet and look at to see what that genius of cinematic critique, and chromosomal abomination, Harry Knowles has to say about it. Uh oh, apparently Iceman doesn't acutally ICEMAN out in the movie. He just ices up to deliver a headbutt. But hey Harry loved Click, he said about the one part "Specifically, I liked that gag of pausing, moving the one kid’s arm down, and the ball smacking that fucking kid right in the face. To me… hitting a little defenseless boy in the face with a baseball and humiliating him, without that kid knowing how or why he’d just been smacked in the face… Well, that’s comedy. (actual quote, I could not make up shit this fucking retarded if I tried, in fact I've just come up with a new term to describe Harry Knowles writing style, Fucktarded)", thats definitely the movie for us! The fact that this fucker has made a career out of writing these shitty movie reviews for nerds to read, rather than actually have a job useful to society, such as punching bag, is disconcerting to say the least. What kind of example does this send to the other super geeks, pretty soon they all will be operating their own shitty websites and then who will fix our computers, work our gas stations and just generally be around for us to ridicule and make us feel better about ourselves. I for one don't want to see that happen not just for me but also for our children's children. So please unless your totally fucktardedand actually think that THX-1138 is an interesting social commentary (you fuckers will love anything by George Lucas wont you, you probably even think Howard the Duck isn't that bad), please don't support Harry Knowles and his shittastic reviews.