5 Survival Tips for the War on Christmas

Since many of our troops are committed to the War in Iraq, we find ourselves once again facing an even more dangerous situation here at home. That's right, the War on Christmas. Because the politically correct mainstream media refuses to cover this silent scourge, it's a little-known fact that the War on Christmas now accounts for more deaths in the United States than any other single cause except for diseases and misfortunes. Every time the clerk at the Seven-Eleven says "happy holidays" instead of "merry Christmas," it is a terrorist attack akin to flying a building into a plane, except this happens 1000 times every day. So what can you do to survive this trying ordeal (and maybe kick some butt back)? Here are five tips for surviving the War on Christmas: 1. Remind everyone that America is a Christian nation, founded by Christians on Christian moral standards (as Jesus said, "If they raise the tax on tea again, I'm going to fucking riot!"). They have no choice but to celebrate Christmas, and wish you a merry one. It's in the Constitution... or the Bible maybe... whatever, same thing. 2. Build a Yuletide fallout shelter. You can find construction plans for a sturdy backyard bomb shelter for sale via mail order - check the back pages of a 1966 Popular Science magazine. When the big one hits, it won't be the godless atheists you are fighting - it will be your own neighbors. Stock plenty of provisions such as egg nog, canned Christmas Goose and mistletoe. When the evil radiation of agnosticism begins to clear, send out a dove and do not leave the shelter until it returns with an olive branch. 3. Refuse to shop at any big-box retailer whose employees do not vigorously and specifically bombard you with Christmas blessings. Remember, multi-billion dollar corporations have feelings and care about you as a customer - going to Best Buy instead of Circuit City really makes a difference in the world. Boycott any store with a "Season's Greetings" banner, except for the big sale next Sunday, because seriously, I heard they will have this DVD player for like $29 and they will only have 10 per store so I'm going to camp out Saturday night. 4. Don't forget the true meaning of Christmas. A lot of secular humanists and other fascists will blather on about the spirit of giving, the importance of charity, fellowship and good will towards your fellow man, and other hippy garbage. Also, Santa Claus Frosty the Snowman are not the reason for the season. The true meaning of Christmas is how important it is that Jesus' mom did not have sex before he was born. This is very important. 5. This last tip is absolutely the most important thing you can do this holiday season to survive the War on Christmas: whine and cry about it day and night. Bitch and moan to your friends, family and coworkers. If you have your own cable news show, talk about how offended you are, and how the liberals have gone too far this time, and how political correctness is sending America down a slippery slope toward Sodom and Gomorrah and Maoism. For god's sake, write letters to the editor of your local paper! Construct unfunny "observational humor" jokes to point out how ironic it is when liberals oppress Christians in the name of multiculturalism (BTW you don't understand irony). Strain to work in that zinger that your golf buddy faxed you in 1993 about 'Billary' Clinton, make relevant pop cultural references to the ACLU and feminists! Pontificate over and over about how much better things were in the good old days, when every five and dime had a big, gory crucifix on the wall and we went downtown to see the department store displays but then we saw a black person once in 1973 so we moved far, far out to the suburbs and I hear they are opening a Country Kitchen isn't that exciting! Why don't you call, what am I, chopped liver? You kids get off my lawn! Remember, when a cashier making $6 an hour doing a boring, repetitive job is required by company policy to numbly acknowledge your presence, and they don't do it in your preferred manner, you are being oppressed! You should feel indignant - who will protect Christianity if not you? It's not like you're part of the overwhelming majority. It's not like all three branches of government at the federal, state, and local level are dominated by Christians. You are the scrappy underdog in this Culture War (by Bill O'Reilly), imagine a Hanukkah boot stomping on the face of humanity for all eternity! Thanks to Business Week for bringing this issue to my attention.

  1. Isaiah 7:14 controversy
    From the earliest days of Christianity, Jewish critics have argued that Christians were mistaken in their reading of almah in Isaiah 7:14.[17] Because the author of Matthew 1:23, believed that Jesus was born of a virgin, he quoted Isaiah: “Behold, a virgin shall be with child, and shall bring forth a son” as a proof-text for the divine origin of Jesus. Jewish scholars declare that Matthew is in error, that the word almah means young woman (just as the male equivalent elem means young man). It does not denote a virgin or sexual purity but age. Because a different Hebrew word, bethulah (“בתולה”), is most commonly used for virgin even in modern Hebrew, the prophet could not have meant virgin in Isaiah 7:14.

    Many Christian apologists respond that throughout the Old Testament, in every other instance where a girl is described as almah, she is a girl who has never known a man carnally or had intercourse. Moreover, the word bethulah is sometimes used to describe women who are arguably not virgins (Joel 1.8 and Esther 2:8-17), and in at least two cases (Genesis 24: 16 and Judges 21: 12), an additional phrase in the text explains that that the bethulah has “not known a man.” Thus, they argue, almah refers to virgins more consistently than does bethulah. Most importantly, the Jewish scholars who translated and compiled the Hebrew scriptures (the Torah first and then later the Prophets and the Writings) into a Greek version of the Old Testament, translated almah in Isaiah 7:14 as parthenos, which almost always[18] means “virgin”. Since these Jewish scholars were well acquainted with the meaning of the old Hebrew words as well as the Greek, their interpretation (developed hundreds of years before Jesus) should be given special weight.

    Some scholars contend that debates over the precise meaning of bethulah and almah are misguided because no Hebrew word encapsulates the idea of certain virginity. [19] Martin Luther also argued that the debate was irrelevant, not because the words do not clearly mean virgin, but because almah and bethulah were functional synonyms.[20]
    Taken from Wikipedia (hardly a conservative web site!)

    Homer Simpson
    March 30th, 2007 at 4:40 pm
  2. I find it unusual that you are decrying the secularisation of Christmas when you display such reasoned argument against the creationists, and are therefore, I presume, a non-Christian. Don’t get me wrong, neither am I. What winds me up about Christmas here in the UK is we are being “encouraged” not to mention Christmas because of some fear of “upsetting” other faiths!. Tis a little like a an episode from Fawlty Towers i.e. “Don’t mention the War” in front of Germans. As far as I am concerned, we celebrate Christmas here for whatever reason and those who can’t accept that should either get over it or go elsewhere.

    March 3rd, 2008 at 9:28 am
  3. I like people telling me “happy holidays!” much better then some mythical slang.

    Unfortunately few more hundred years need to pass until all these early human ideas are laid to rest.

    I am glad that every generation gets less and less polluted with these antiquated ideas.

    Happy holidays bitches, deal with it.

    Sam Adams
    May 10th, 2008 at 10:44 pm
  4. But the other side is equally stupid. I’m a Christian, but if I were to hear the cashier at Wal*Mart tell me “Happy Hanukka” I’m not going to leap out of my skin and get all religiously offended – no more so than if someone in a Mexican accent tells me Happy Cinco de Mayo on May 5 will I get all politically offended. To act like someone who likely grew up celebrating nothing more than a day off of work and presents is somehow deliberately trying to offend you is absurd to the fullest degree. So, stop getting offended at stuff like this, people. This is America. Let people do what they want!

    June 17th, 2008 at 3:23 am
  5. the word alma means APPLE in hungarian

    October 14th, 2008 at 8:44 am
  6. I’m astonished daily by the ignorance and ill will that a minority of insecure American Christians seem determined to spread around the planet every winter.

    Greater cultural and religious diversity, increased resistance to conform over-commercialized norms, and open communication concerning how to handle the seasonal celebration in an inclusive way that does not undermine respect for different belief systems and good fellowship, is the direction our society is now headed. And IMO being good for goodness sake is the right direction to be take.

    I’m a Bible School graduate who no longer believes in the existence of the Judeo/Christian construct of god I’m never offended when anyone wishes me a Merry Christmas. I simply wish them back a Happy Solstice. I’m NOT offended when Jewish people wish me a Happy Hanukkah either. I’m likewise not offended when secular humanist, atheists, agnostics, and pagans who do not believe in god wish me Happy Holidays.

    I suppose that my goodwill towards others is possible because I’m not in a state of denial about the hijacking of an inclusive ancient pagan celebration and re-branding it with an exclusive religion.

    Among all peoples of the world, the most common times for celebration are the Winter Solstice and the Spring Equinox. Constantine was born almost three centuries after Jesus of Nazareth died. Constantine worshiped the whole pantheon of Roman gods as all his predecessors had done and especially the Roman sun god, Sol. As a means of unifying his empire, Constantine sought to blend Christian and pagan traditions and in doing so he chose the time that also coincided with Hanukkah, Winter Solstice and Yule.

    For millenia pagans, First Nations people and all non-religious people who celebrate Yule, Winter Solstice, etc. have seen their special holiday that was hijacked by Constantine on behalf of Christians, in a move made to unify his empire and blend the many traditions into a single winter season holiday where goodwill prevailed, over-advertised as the commemoration of a the birthday of Jesus. Yet none of these groups have responded in the mean spirited way that you have. Instead they have quietly and graciously kept the inclusive spirit of the seasonal holiday alive.

    IMO the very best things about atheists, agnostics, secular humanists, First Nations people, pagans, spiritual people, etc. are they don’t command, demand, offer rewards (heaven for believers only), threaten (death by hellfire for non believers), or claim redress of presumed offenses on behalf of imaginary friends.

    On one hand, when it comes to being reasonable people who are ambassadors of goodwill during the seasonal holidays and all year round – atheists, agnostics, secular humanists, First Nations people, pagans, spiritual people, etc. fill bill quite nicely.

    On the other hand, if your post is indicative of the practicing Christian’s mindset, (and I’m not convinced that it is) then they would appear to be unreasonable whiners with persecution complexes, who cry the blues all year round. If that’s the case then lighten up and be good for goodness sake is a message they could benefit from listening to.

    November 21st, 2008 at 9:27 pm
  7. dude, you would make jesus cry. did you ever think about the oppression you perpetuate when you buy all your unethically produced Christmas presents to pay homage to your true god aka consumerism. i wish you christian were more like your christ.

    February 25th, 2009 at 7:27 pm

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