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It’s Adventure Time

Is this really on Nickelodeon?  Keep in mind this is the network that brought you Ren and Stimpy and The Adventures of Pete and Pete. [youtube]LNVYWJOEy9A[/youtube]

Super Heroes vs. Real Life

Super heroes. We see them in movies, watch them on TV, and if you're a nerd, read about them in comics books. The Internet is home to countless arguments over which super hero has the best powers, whom could beat up whom, and what would happen if Lois Lane and Superman finally did hook up. It used to be that the life of a super hero was predictably unrealistic. Most super heroes are more likely to travel through time and fight dinosaurs than run out of toilet paper. In the past decade there have been a number of comic books that took on this dichotomy and tried to depict what life would really be like if you were invincible, but otherwise just a normal guy. This hasn't really filtered down to popular television and movies, with the possible exception of the TV show Heroes and to some extent the Spider-Man movies. That's why today, we're going to look at some of the rare depictions of the real life of super heroes. There is nothing more real than the Real World, so we need look no further than Real World: Metropolis: [youtube]C1Ic1eaUVOE&NR[/youtube] At the end of the last X-Men movie, Magneto found himself powerless, but even worse, out of a job. Luckily, Starbucks is always hiring: [youtube]4y8v7kkpQm4&NR[/youtube] Super heroes, like rock stars, travel the country and get all the chicks. So how do they come to terms with their illegitimate children? [youtube]gkhaCLx6vys[/youtube] Some super heroes have indomitable will power, but that doesn't mean they always bring their A-game to the softball match against the Legion of Doom: [youtube]4yal8GOOXlU[/youtube] Here's the part where I was going to put clips from The State and Robot Chicken, but Viacom in their faceless, corporate wisdom has pulled those videos from YouTube. Good move Viacom! I bet now instead of seeing free advertising, all our readers are running out to buy your DVDs. Finally, although none of us have had to dig ourselves out of our own grave (having been drugged and put there by Kraven the Hunter), pretty much everyone has had to outdance a cow. How will Spider-Man handle that situation? [youtube]ijc_0Hk_8Zo[/youtube]

This Was Not a Terror Hoax, and They Were Not Fake Bombs

I am doing it as hard as I canTerror Scare! If you don't have a television or a radio, you might have missed it: Mysterious, technological devices hidden across a densely-populated American city. The city of Boston, thrown into chaos, bridge, highways and train stops shut down. After a city-wide search and investigation, officials eventually determined that the whole thing was a terror hoax. The two perpetrators were quickly arrested and held on $100,000 bond. Although thankfully no lives were lost, Boston Mayor Thomas Menino promised to make them pay dearly for plunging the city into a panic. The events happened, but the description above is not true. You wouldn't know it from most news coverage, but this was not a terror hoax, and these were not fake bombs planted through the city. Boston was not targeted, any more than New York, Philadelphia, and a number of other cities were. The "devices" had been around for weeks without causing any panic, threatening anyone's safety, or making it on the news. The "devices" were not even "devices," at least not in the ominous tone of a newscaster. They were advertisements. With colorful lights on them. Lights that formed the outline of an Atari-style video game character giving you the finger. They were ads for Cartoon Network's Aqua Teen Hunger Force. The Atari guy flipping the bird is one of the Mooninites, either Ignignokt or Err. Now I know that a lot of people are saying, "we have to take terrorism seriously." The two guys who put up the signs face charges of "placing a hoax device in a way that causes panic and disorderly conduct." Guess what? The overblown reaction and subsequent whining and finger-pointing is the opposite of taking terrorism seriously. Taking terrorism seriously would entail:
  1. Not panicking.
  2. Actually investigating things. Oh, and knowing things.
  3. Addressing real threats and security holes instead of imagined ones.
Question 1: How could Boston officials possibly have known what these cryptic figures were supposed to be? Well, according to Time Magazine, ATHF and the rest of the Adult Swim line up have gotten better ratings than Jay Leno and David Letterman for men under the age of 35. Granted the Tonight Show has been on a little longer, but what would the reaction and news coverage look like if this stunt was pulled by NBC? Does this mean the City of Boston (along with the TV stations and news networks covering the breaking story) have no male employees under the age of 35? Question 2: How could they have possibly tell the difference between a terrorist plot and a guerrilla marketing plot? They could try Google, or YouTube. Do terrorists film their preparations, put them to a techno beat, then post the video to the most popular video site in America? [youtube]cWMZ36K_gyg[/youtube] Now this whole thing might have been a big lame joke, except that some Bostonians and many Americans are so scared brainless about terrorism that they are probably going to try to put Peter Berdovsky and Sean Stevens in jail and sue the pants of Ted Turner. This part is very serious: do we really want to make anything that anyone thinks might be a bomb equal to an actual bomb in the eyes of the law? Do we want to make two guys who were mistaken for terrorists equivalent to actual terrorists? Did you know that people carry around complex technological devices that could possibly, maybe, in some scenarios, be packed with ounces of explosives? Gasp. Confiscate all the iPods! If you leave your backpack unattended at the airport, don't be surprised if they blow it. But if there's no threat, and no intent to create a hoax, you shouldn't expect to spend a night in jail either. Adult Swim has issued a half-hearted lawyerly apology (see below), but I don't think they should have apologized at all. [youtube]AVLJbRH8A7w[/youtube] Finally, I think it's important to educate the public about what the threat looks like: [youtube]T5rM39AhHDE[/youtube]

80′s Cartoon PSA’s

In the 1980's if you were a kid an watched Saturday morning cartoons then you might remember seeing lots of PSA's aimed at kids. They often featured cartoon characters telling you about the benefits of eating cheese or planning ahead for your future. They also usually featured funky bass lines and poor rhyming structures. I'm not sure that any of these actually helped me out now that I am an adult but here are some of the best (worst) PSA's from that era. In this clip He-man and She-ra warn kids about sexual molestation. Am I the only one who finds it creepy that a man in a loin cloth with a page boy hair cut is talking about molesting kids? And who decided to involve Orco? I mean does he even have a body to molest? [youtube]i0YPHeRrmIA[/youtube] Here's a really lame PSA that tells kids how to make a Saturday. A Saturday being a lame, health version of a Sunday. It also is quite phallic looking with that banana and whipped cream. I bet He-Man would love to eat it. [youtube]NozOppLXh18[/youtube] This one features a character called "The Chopper" who tells you to exercise you teeth by eating hard foods. First off how do you exercise your teeth, their freaking bones you idiot. All your going to do is chip a tooth eating all those, nuts, carrots, gravel, etc. And what kid eats Pumpernickel by the way? [youtube]WyyW-n8aook[/youtube] I'm sure a lot of you remember O.G. Readmore a talking cat captain who tells kids about how much fun it is to read. First of what is he a Captain in? The Army, Navy, Coast Guard? Last time I checked there weren't any captains at the library. And readin with your grandma isn't fun, trust me I know... [youtube]i-GJFnO4yc8[/youtube] Zack of all Trades was a magical career guidance counselor who came out of your jukebox to give bad career advice. Yeah become a seamstress little girl leave all those doctor, lawyer and business jobs to the men. And for someone who gives advice what's his job anyways? He apparaently has nothing but free time on his hands to annoy people all day with his lame advice. [youtube]n8M-GKmVgeo[/youtube] This next one single handedly is responsible for millions of lactose intollerant children spending their formative years on the toilet. [youtube]U3jgo5ea_zc[/youtube] COPS was a show were ridiculously over muscled cops fought ridiculously over muscled villians in the future with laser beams and other future crap. Of course since it was a show about cops it had to have PSA's about satying out of trouble and preventing crime. In this one a villian tries to scare kids straight, but the message is kind of lost because every episode he breaks out of jail and goes on a crime spree with no consequences. [youtube]JIlg-sZEA-Q[/youtube] And finally the Transformers. Here are several of their PSA's. Thanks robot from another planet you really helped me to see that I need better communication skills with my parents. Also you might notice that they stole their tagline "...and knowing is half the battle" from G.I. Joe. Apparently the concept of plagairism wasn't part of their programming. [youtube]zss5lSV-bis[/youtube] Well thats it for now I hope you learned a lot. Im going to go eat a cheese Saturday while I read about how to become a seamstress and try and stay out of jail so I don't get molested. If you want to see even more PSA's go to www.retrojunk.com.

Finally we can Blame 9/11 on Gay Marriage

It has taken five years and two wars, but finally, author Dinesh D’Souza has found the real cause of the 9-11 terrorist attacks.  Saddam Hussien?  Nope.  Lax airport security?  Sorry.  Osama bin Laden and the extreme religious conservatives who plotted and carried out the attacks?  Not so much. The real culprit is gay marriage and Fear Factor.  D'Souza explained on the Colbert Report. [youtube]rqIXBRTwcUI[/youtube] Now, some might say that advocating that we become more like the terrorists in order to avoid terrorist attacks is sort of like giving in.  But that's just silly.  Let me explain why with a simple analogy everyone can understand : Imagine you are back in grade school and out of no where another kid hits you in the head with a rock, then says: "That's for all the times you came over to my house and broke our yard gnomes.  Also, your T-shirt has GI Joe on it and that means you are an idiot because Thundercats are obviously better than GI Joe and Panthro rules!" How should you respond?  Now my first thought would be to go over to a totally different kid's house and start breaking his yard gnomes in revenge.  But it turns out, the best course of action is to stand up, brush the dirt and little rock pieces out of your hair, and tell your attacker: "Of course, you are right, Thudercats is way better than GI Joe, though I must point out that Lion-o is truly our lord and savior.  This shirt is a hand-me-down from my brother, I blame him for the whole situation!" That way, the disagreement is cleared up immediately, and instead of a schoolyard enemy you now have an ally to help you plot the brutal beating of your own brother. Isn't it funny how things like this end up?  It truly takes a world-class intellect like D'Souza to figure things like this out, but once he says it, it so obvious!  It's just like when the Wright brothers had their first flight, and the next day everyone walked around saying, "all it took for man to fly was an airplane!  Why didn't I think of that?"