Aunt-Jemima Bush CEOs Comics Economics Heath-Ledger Humor Movies Osama racism The Internet top-ten TV Uncle-Ben your mom

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Uncle Ben: From Servant to CEO

Uncle Ben is now a CEOFor years, he has been ever with us. A familiar face in the grocery aisle, quick to ease our hunger. But he shall serve you rice no more, for Uncle Ben has been promoted to CEO (or perhaps chairman of the board) of Uncle Ben's Inc. Uncle Ben, instant rice pitchman, has long been seen as a holdover from less polite times. He clearly was not meant to be your actual uncle, or even that guy your dad knew from school that everyone made you call "uncle" as a creepy sign of pseudo-familiarity and respect. Since he was an older black man, dressed as either a manservant or perhaps maitre d’, and "uncle" was a disrespectful way to refer to blacks in the South, it seemed perhaps he was just another racist stereotype. Oh, they told us that he was a farmer known for the best rice in the region, but why the fancy duds? The use of stereotypes to market products has a long and interesting history in the U.S. The movie Ghost World has an interesting, fictionalized take on the matter. Some were obviously meanspirited, but others, like Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima, have managed to change with the times and get by, partly because the stereotypes were no longer relevant. Kids today don't have a clue what a "mammy" character like Jemima is supposed to be, except for vague images from old Tom and Jerry cartoons, if they still play those. Is a black butler any more offensive than say, a British one? Well now we know for sure that Uncle Ben is not a racist stereotype, at least not anymore. With this promotion from servant to CEO, Mars, Inc. has finally revealed the truth: Ben was just in a very long, very abrupt career track within the company. Perhaps you and I are salivating over the step from associate analyst to analyst, but that is because we don't have the vision and patience of Ben. Sixty-odd years might seem like a long time for just one promotion, but it's not so bad when the promotion is from the lowest rung on the ladder to the highest, busting through any glass ceilings in the way. Ridiculous you say? It's not without precedent. When young Bruce Wayne's parents were murdered in front of him, the leadership of Wayne Enterprises was opened up. Later, because of his duties as Batman, Bruce could never devote the time required to run a large corporation. Much of his CEO responsibilities were in fact delegated to Alfred, his manservant. Of course Alfred was never officially named to the board, but you can see how that sort of thing could happen. Who was the last CEO of Uncle Ben's Inc.? Perhaps we should look into whether or not his parents were murdered in front of him, such that he was raised by Uncle Ben. Just like Batman, but black, and his crime-fighting gadgetry is probably rice-based. In any event, does this mark then end of all racism in the United States, or is it just a way to drum up some press for the same damn rice they've been selling for 60 years? Let me know what you think in the comments.

Batman 2: Broke Bat Mountain

Well its official the lead villain for the next Batman movie will be the Joker, and will be played by none other than…. Heath Ledger?!? First off am I supposed to believe that this was the director’s first choice. There are literally dozens of other actors I can think of who would be far more likely to be cast, Hugo Weaving, Crispin Glover, Bruce Campbell, anyone else really. This leads me to my assumption that the casting was studio driven. Batman is a huge franchise and millions of dollars have already been invested in it. So obviously the studio wants a bad guy who will appeal to a large audience, and not necessarily be the best fit for the part. Obviously coming off of the successful movie Broke Back Mountain, Heath ledger would be high on their casting lists. He has high female appeal, which would in their minds help a movie with a primarily male audience. Obviously no one at the studio has ever read a comic book, they were probably too busy in school getting laid, so they don’t have an idea what the Joker is like and why Heath Ledger will suck as him. First off Heath Ledger is fat. I’m not saying he’s overweight, but the Joker is a tall and thin character, while Heath is a dumpy, fatty fat fat. Unless Heath can lose like 60 lbs. and grow 6 inches before shooting he won’t look the part. Secondly Heath is too handsome. The Joker has a long angular face with a sharp pointed nose. He also has a wide mouth and a sinister smile. Heath has a square jaw and a wry, sarcastic smile that women find attractive and not frightening. Unless they do serious make up, i.e. cut off his head, he’ll just look like a male model with white make-up and green hair. Lastly Heath does not have the personality to be the Joker. The Joker is a true sociopath who kills at random and for his own amusement, he is completely insane and irrational. Heath is a smiley happy guy who everyone likes. What type of experiences will he draw upon for the role, that one time a girl broke up with him and then he got another girlfriend two seconds later, boo-hoo, poor Heath your so dark and tormented. Heath Ledger is just another pretty boy who used to make fun of nerds who read comics in high school and now will make millions portraying a comic book character. I for one will not support Heath as the Joker and will instead keep to my comics who are written by authors who actually care about and understand the character.

10 ways to get fired from Wayne Enterprises

One of the more interesting aspects of the Batman / Bruce Wayne character is that in addition to fighting crime, he also runs a large, multinational corporation. Actually, it's not so much interesting as it is an excuse for him to have enough money to constantly buy bat-supplies. But you have to wonder what it must be like to work for Wayne Enterprises. Since you are reading this, instead of doing work, it is probably more pertinent to wonder what it's like to get fired from Wayne Enterprises. Below are 10 ways to get fired from Wayne Enterprises. Note to fanboys: all the items below are strictly in canon (see references in (parenthesis)).
  1. Take the company private via an IPO, then demote Morgan Freeman to the Archives division. No one puts baby in a corner! (reference)
  2. Invent a popular puzzle-based video game, have your unscrupulous boss take all the credit. (reference)
  3. Murder a young boy's parents in from of him. (reference)
  4. Write an email that says Bruce Wayne sucks. (reference)
  5. Write an email that says Batman sucks. (reference)
  6. Write an email that says Bruce Wayne and Batman suck in equal and identical ways (reference)
  7. Violate the code of business conduct and do poorly on your quarterly performance reviews. (reference)
  8. Question the budget item marked “Batmobile tires� (reference)
  9. Cripple Batgirl. Just kidding, that's pretty funny. (reference)
  10. Mention to Bruce that you knew his father. When Bruce asks if you worked for Wayne Enterprises when you were younger, clarify that you meant you knew him in the biblical sense. (reference)