Archive for September, 2006

Why smoking is good pt 2

So far we have learned that China is going to lose 1/3 of it's men in a couple of years due to smoking, that the US is not as chartruse as we would like it to be and that no one lives in Greenland. So in installation #2 of why smoking is good I am going to show you a little movie. Please dim the lights and enjoy why smoking is good pt2. [googlevideo]-5330941790223116453[/googlevideo]

Atheism and Justifications for State Punishment

NOTE: I just want to sketch out some potentially abhorrent ideas I had. I am quite aware of the gaping logical holes that follow. Consider this fodder for discussion rather than an attempt to create a cohesive argument. There are three basic justifications or rationalizations for state punishment: incapacitation, rehabilitation, and deterrence. They are all generally considered to be acceptable to some degree depending on your philosophical disposition. There is a fourth justification that underlies the other three and is the most convincing for the atheist. First, there is incapaciation, the simplest and most straightforward. The idea is that there is a subset of criminals who need to be segregated from society to protect society. The easiest and most visceral example is the serial pedophile. This type of pedophile will continue to molest children if allowed to roam freely. He is imprisoned to make it impossible for him to continue to molest. Prison functions solely to stop him, and only him, from harming others. Second, there is rehabilitation, the most popular and least realistic justification. Originating with the Quakers in the 1800s, this penal theory holds that prison should be used to educate and help criminals learn to be moral citizens. While locked away, prisoners are given the tools to become better people. Once they learn the error of their ways, they can be released back into society as productive and law-abiding citizens. Third, there is deterrence, the most popular scholarly justification for state incarceration. This simply means that the state imprisons people in order to send a warning to others: if you commit crimes, you will be punished. This warning then reduces crimes because it makes criminal acts less attractive because they are more risky. There are two types of deterrence: specific and general. Specific deterrence is concerned with deterring the individual criminal from committing more crimes. Once they know what it is like to have their liberty and freedom taken away, they are less likely disobey the law because they know the severity of the consequences. General deterrence is concerned with everyone. People in general will be less likely to commit a crime because they know that there is potentially a negative consequence to their actions. Deterrence is a favorite of utilitarians, like Benthem, who sometimes create faniciful moral calculuses to determine the requisite level of punishment needed to maximize the deterrence effect. None of these justifications are discrete. Incarcerating someone to deter others necessarily also incapacitates him. Rehabiliting someone in prison does not remove the stigma from having to be in prison, so deterrence is still present. For the religious, none of these justifications makes a difference in the final analysis. There is a fantastical being in the sky who records all your thoughts and deed and remembers them without forgetting. When you die, you must face this infinite bureaucrat who performs a celestial accounting of your life. If you have done good, you are rewarded. If you have done bad, you are punished. What does it matter what the state thinks is the best justification for punishment when there is someone far more vast and important who performs the final arbitration? The believers know that there will be personal justice for them at some point, even if justice in the world is meted out by and for the benefit of the state. Divine retribution awaits everyone. For the athiest, there is no solace in a just afterlife because such a utopia is a foolish delusion. Punishment must come in the here and now or it will never come at all. The intutive sense of justice that most people have can be explained through genetics and evolution, although I am not going to make that case here today. The argument rests on the assumption that for the reader, concepts such as "justice" and "fairness" have meaning without the foundation of natural law, derived from spiritual or scriptural sources. The religious person has the personal satisfaction that evildoers will receive their just deserts. The athiest can only have that personal satisfaction if people are punished solely for the sake of punishment. Deterrence, incapacitation, and rehabilitation might all be byproducts of the punishment, but the punishment is just regardless of whether any of these other effects occur. Revenge as justification for punishment is considered barbaric by many, but it is the most basic justification, the one that resides deepest in our hearts. Modern society has purged this instinct, replacing it with "rational" philosophies. Who hasn't considered the atrocities they would commit if someone tortured and raped their mother? This is so universal, it must be genetic, perhaps a evolutionary response to and a way of supporting the bond of reciprical altruism that binds us together and which allowed civilization to be born. The danger is that individuals would carry out the revenge-punishment themselves, turning to vigilantism in lieu of the courts. This would remove the procedural and substantive safeguards built into the justice system. To avoid this problem, the state should carry out the punishment on behalf of those affected by the crime, channeling the revenge in order to insure its fairness, rather than treating all crimes as ultimately offenses against the state. This would provide the satisfaction of revenge for the athiest, who cannot rely on a otherwordly satisfaction to come.

Harry Knowles Makes D Wallz Vomit in his Mouth

If you read my last article about Harry Knowles of aintitcool.com fame, and how much I hate his fat ass then you might be surprised to read that I now have an even deeper loathing for this walking pumpkin. You’re probably asking yourself, how could you hate that blithering sack of fat any more, well after his latest movie review you’ll see why. In his review of the Black Dahlia he starts it off with this gem, “I love Brian De Palma films. Why? Because Brian De Palma makes movies that speak to my penis. They make me hard.� Oh my god, sorry I was just dry heaving there for a little bit. This is the worst thing that has been even committed to printed word ever. Firstly I never wanted to know about Harry Knowles’ penis (I’m not sure if he even really knows about it I mean when was the last time he was actually able to see it?), nor that it gets hard, nor that Brian De Palma is responsible for making his penis get hard. Who wants to hear about your penis Harry? Last time I checked it was no one. Why would you subject innocent people surfing the web for movie news to that horrific mental image. I can’t close my eyes now without picturing Harry Knowles naked on his couch watching the end of Scarface while holding up his belly with the one hand and feverishly masturbating with the other one, while softly muttering “Say hello to my little friend� over and over until he climaxes, blech. I realize that the internet does have lower standards for journalism then conventional mediums, but this crosses the line. Quite frankly it’s this kind of thing that Congress is talking about when they want to regulate the internet. I for one will not stand be and be abused by Harry Knowles and his “alleged� penis (I mean if no one can see it does it really exist). That is why I will now be writing movie reviews for this site in my crusade to get rid of Harry Knowles and his awful columns. Stay tuned for my awesome columns to come in the near future!

More Words of the Day: Phar Lap and Pharlapiscus

Jason pointed out the potential for embarassment that could be caused when you confuse words that have two or more meanings. Sometimes two words will be different but very similar and one might accidently use the one when they mean the other. This also causes great shame. A common example, which every schoolchild knows, concerns the words Phar Lap and Pharlapsicus. Phar Lap is, obviously, Australia's wonder horse, who won the Agua Caliente Handicap in 1932. Then he died a fortnight later. You don't have to be the a wizard of "Oz" to know that (but it helps)! Pharlapiscus (note: this name is so popular, it appears as an external link to a HotBot web search for the term Chalicodoma pluto!) is also a creature, but it is no regular horse! It is an irregular horse, also known as a short-snouted Australian sea horse. Do not underestimate the potential for awkwardness if you mistakenly confuse the two terms. For instance, upon hearing these two terms the inimitable Albert J. Klee chuckled. I wrote this post because I once made this mistake and it cost me my family. Here is an easy mnemonic that will help you remember the difference: "A horse (with legs) runs a far lap around the racetrack and is blessed, but a sea horse who runs a far lap is cursed. Make sure you really slur the word "cursed" or the mnemonic doesn't work. The world is an amazing place full of wonder, don't fuck it up by sloppily confusing words. Note: the words are so similar because one was named after the other, although which came first is an etymological mystery for all time.

Elmo to the Xtreme!!!

Recently after much speculation Fisher-Price has unveiled T.M.X. Elmo. The T stands for Tickle, the M for Me and the X is for XTREME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That’s right this ain’t your daddy’s Tickle Me Elmo! Oh No, this is new hip edgy Elmo for a new generation. Outta the way grandpa cuz theirs a new Elmo in town and this time he’s XTREME. You might be asking yourself what exactly makes this Tickle Me Elmo so XTREME? Well I’ve been able to get my hands on some secret documents that exactly outline his XTREMENESS!!!!!

  • When you tickle him instead of laughing and shaking he bitch slaps you in the face and says, “Make me a Sammich Hoe!â€?
  • Elmo now comes with a BMX Bike, Skateboard, Inline Skates, and Snowboard for him to perform his signature moves such as the Tickle Shake Nose Grind 1080°
  • Elmo comes with his own Tattoo needle so you can give him Rad Tats such as, Muppet 4 Life, M.W.A (Muppets with attitudes), and Sesame Street Insane Killaz
  • Elmo now has nipple rings that when you tickle, he moans and tells you to â€?Spank me harder Mommyâ€?
  • Finally he comes with sunglasses, trench coat and Uzi to go on a shooting rampage after all the other Muppets constantly called him gay (Tell me Grover do you believe in God?)

Who knows what Toy will be given the Xtreme treatment next? Give you opinions on what extreme toy you would like to see. Here’s keeping my fingers crossed for He-Man Xtreme now with realistic anus.