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The Christmas Crisis Nature Documentary

Today I have a special treat for all of you interneters out there. I have been granted the special privilage to observe the Mindless Drones (Consumreous obsessiva) standing outside of a local retailer on Tdat. It's 4:30 am and so far I am the only scientist on the scene. blitz.jpg There is a line of maybe 75 Mindless Drones all waiting to get their hands on the hottest Christmas items this season at 6:00 am. I locate my specimen, a drone in her mid 40s standing with shopping cart ready at hand. She is dressed for the occastion, wearing a thick scarf and hat, gloves with the fingers cut out and a big ski jacket from 1965. The fire of determination burns in her dull eyes like coals in a fire without oxygen. She looks up at me as I walk towards her and grips her cart fiercely. I see she is threantened and I carefully make the universal sign of good will and guarantee her that I won't cut in line. She looks apprehensive but I think I have won her trust so I approach her with care. The whole idea is to be as careful as possible around these rare creatures since their complaicent attitude could turn violent in a moment's notice due to their incredible territorial nature. This is a great day for science and our study on the flocking patterns of Mindless Drones. Usually these creatures move either solitary or in small groups of family units, but once a year they all gather to frequent the big box community. No one can say exactly why they only group together on this one day in such numbers but some have speculated that it's the low low prices and extra special deals that bring this otherwise reclusive creatures into direct contact with eachother. It is said that some of these creatures can be seen on the day before Christmas in the same areas but it has not been confirmed due to the striking similarity of these Mindless Drones and the more common Last Minute Shopper (Consumerous quixotic). I sense some restlessness in the group. The time is now approaching 5:30 and the flock has more than doubled. I am in shock to see that some of these creatures have brought their young. I wonder if I am the first scienctist to actually see the parenting behavior of these fascinating animals. Most of the offspring are still sleeping in makeshift nests inside shopping carts but some of them are making loud noises, probably to attract attention from their mother. Truely incredible. I notice that our specimen's offspring is with her. I wonder if she has been unsucessful in choosing a mate. Her offspring looks strikingly different than the rest of the young in this group but is dressed in a similar fashion. It makes me wonder if there is some interspecies mating going on between the Mindless Drones and the Last Minute Shopper. It could just be a genetic mutant, as well, but we may never know. The mating habits of these fascinating creatures is a very rare occasion and has never been recorded by a fellow scientist. Tension builds up as I have to leave you, but please, tune in next time for the exciting conclusion to this very groundbreaking nature documentary.

How to survive the Christmas Crisis!

As you know, we are only a few weeks away from that time of year where people lose whatever sanity they had and head out into the icy world in search for the elusive TMX Elmo or the PS3. These herds of mindless drones pushed on by consumer desire and 10 year olds are the most dangerous creatures known to mankind. The most dreaded/anticipated day of the year is coming up, The Day After Thanksgiving. The day that, for most retail workers, must not be named. So, from here on out, we will refer to it as Tdat. Or, as they call it in the world of retail, Blitz. Most of the mindless drones will spend the whole day of Thanksgiving plotting their course through the rapids of early morning shopping to get the best deals on toasters and TV sets, to find the toy of their spoiled rotten child's dream of the minute or whatever they happen to be standing in line at 4 in the morning to buy. Where will they be, you ask? Probably at one of the major retailers that you happen to have in your hometown area. I believe that your choices are displayed in the picture below. I don't know which one is Walmart or Target or whatever but I know that they are all there. Personally I like to think of the one in the green bikini as Walmart and the one with the Leopard print as So, in order to help you through the holiday season, I am going to put up a series of posts to guide you through this otherwise tramatic and dangerous season of getting cut off pulling into a parking space, having the last basket pulled from your hands by trailer trash, seeing the toy/item you really wanted stolen from your shopping cart while you wait to purchase it, punching said trailer trash in the face for doing all of these things to you and then spending the night in jail next to your mom, who inadvertantly did the same things as you so she can't bail you out of jail. So, stay tuned!