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Fake Gay News

I stumbled upon this website a few weeks ago and it's really funny. It has a little something for everyone. You just have to see for yourself instead of me ruining it for you by describing it. www.fakegaynews.com

Top 5 reasons the Mark Foley scandal is no big deal

1. No sex, no scandal. It's not like he had actual physical sex with any of these pages, that we know of, at least so far. I mean, come on! Do the defeatocrats really want us to believe that just having lustful feelings in your heart is enough to bring shame on your whole party?

And even if it turns out he did rendezvous with some of these young men, we know for a fact that they didn't have sex – they're both male! Every highschooler knows it doesn't count unless what your doing might make a baby.

2. Do the math. Mean spirited bloggers keep using loaded words like “teenager� and “boy� to describe Foley's Congressional page pen pals. Come on! These were 16- to 18-year-olds, old enough to drive and above the age of consent in many places. Todd has written on this very blog about this issue. Below you will find mathematical proof that if we're going to play the “age game,� the pages were taking advantage of Foley.

Mark Foley's congressional page was not a boy

See source here, and applying different formulas won't help the liberals this time.

3. Hey, what's that behind you! Distracted? Thats what the liberals want you to be. Every time an election season comes up, we get nothing substantial from the Dems—they just trot out some boogeyman. Come on. Why can we just have a substantial debate about the issues for once?

4. It was the alcohol. Obviously the real Mark Foley wouldn't do anything like this. It was the alcohol-I mean, who hasn't gotten wasted, you know, really blitzed, and then wanted to slip the boxers off some hot young men? The entire civilization of Ancient Greece was founded on this principle, and they invented democracy. What, do you hate democracy now?

Besides, it wasn't the alcohol, it was because he was molested by a priest. And really, it's because he's gay. If there one thing all Americans can agree on, it's our fear and hatred of gays. It is a scientific fact that sex is all gays think about – ask any conservative, they have a deep and profound understanding of these stereotypes.

5. He didn't say anything bad after all. One of the reasons this is such a big story is the liberal media is out of touch with youth culture and modern technology. Come on and be honest, grandpa – would you know how to react if you were IMing a younger associate and he told you to “STFU, u R pwned!!!11!!one!� I think Stephen Colbert can explain it better than I can:

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All about our Klub on tolerance and understanding.

Hi guys! My name is Jamal and I just wanted to introduce our new Klub. This is the Gay Black Jewish Klansmen for Tolerance and Understanding Klub. I am this years (our first!) President and cofounder with Dante. I am posting a picture of our first meeting after we got the robes specially made in Mexico. (They were expensive! Who knew that pink and purple satin cost so much!) kit and kaboodle Not pictured: Danny. We told him that he didn't fit the criteria for the Klub but he kept showing up at Dante's house and saying things like "I thought you were understanding! Either way, we had to change the night so he would stop coming. And, Dante's mom told him that if he shows up again, she will call the police. Thanks Dante's mom! So, in the front row from right to left: Dante, Tyron, and Me (Jamal. I really wanted to hold the sword cause swords are cool!) In the back is Tyron's dad (He is not in the club. I mean, he's not even gay. He has a son! And we told him not to have a gun, it sets a bad image for us! But it's his house and his rules...), Lamont (who is behind Tyron, we should have worked that one out better, you can't even see him!) and Jerome. And there is Patrick from Spongebob on the side, he is our unofficial club mascot! Our meetings are every Wednesday at 7:30 in Tyron's Mom's Basement. Afterwards we watch some Spongebob Square pants! (it says that on our sign but it didn't come out so good when I posted it. Sorry!) So, that's our new Klub. If you are in or around Smyrna, Georga and would like to join, please email me! We do have some rules, tho, so email me to see what they are. I don't feel like typing them all now, it's almost time for our second meeting. I just wanted to put up the notes from last week so that Jerome doesn't get pissed that I made him take notes. The Notes! I am going to put dashes next to each item on the agenda, cool? -Is it Kool that Jamal is president? In favor: 4 Against: 1 (Jerome, you faggot!) -I can't read Jerome's handwriting. Whatever. I am pretty sure we just hung out and then watched Spongebob after we ate a pizza that Tyron's dad brought us. I don't really like sausage so hopefully tonight it has pepperoni. -Meeting Adjourned when Tyron's mom kicked us out for breaking the couch downstairs. Sorry Tyron's mom! Okay, guys, we hope to see you next week! Don't forget that this week's theme is how to tell your mom that your gay and next week we are getting self defense lessons from my uncle Sherman. He's kinda old and creepy and once he touched me, but he said he would teach us how to go straight for the nuts. That's gonna be a good meeting. Don't forget, we meet every Wednesday at 7:30 pm, then we watch Spongebob. See you there!

10 ways to get fired from Wayne Enterprises

One of the more interesting aspects of the Batman / Bruce Wayne character is that in addition to fighting crime, he also runs a large, multinational corporation. Actually, it's not so much interesting as it is an excuse for him to have enough money to constantly buy bat-supplies. But you have to wonder what it must be like to work for Wayne Enterprises. Since you are reading this, instead of doing work, it is probably more pertinent to wonder what it's like to get fired from Wayne Enterprises. Below are 10 ways to get fired from Wayne Enterprises. Note to fanboys: all the items below are strictly in canon (see references in (parenthesis)).
  1. Take the company private via an IPO, then demote Morgan Freeman to the Archives division. No one puts baby in a corner! (reference)
  2. Invent a popular puzzle-based video game, have your unscrupulous boss take all the credit. (reference)
  3. Murder a young boy's parents in from of him. (reference)
  4. Write an email that says Bruce Wayne sucks. (reference)
  5. Write an email that says Batman sucks. (reference)
  6. Write an email that says Bruce Wayne and Batman suck in equal and identical ways (reference)
  7. Violate the code of business conduct and do poorly on your quarterly performance reviews. (reference)
  8. Question the budget item marked “Batmobile tires� (reference)
  9. Cripple Batgirl. Just kidding, that's pretty funny. (reference)
  10. Mention to Bruce that you knew his father. When Bruce asks if you worked for Wayne Enterprises when you were younger, clarify that you meant you knew him in the biblical sense. (reference)

Down with the metric system!

There is a problem facing society, but no one is willing to talk about it. Virtually every journalist, television reporter, and blogger has personally encountered this problem, and yet – silence. The problem is the metric system. Not just the metric system, but the US customary units as well. Basically, in order to be useful, a measurement system must:
  1. Have well-defined units that everyone agrees on.
  2. Give people the ability to measure things and understand quantities.

Neither system really meets both of these criteria. The metric system, although it meets the first point, fails miserably on the second. The US system fails the first point semantically, and does a really poor job on the second point.

Allow me to illustrate:

Scenario 1: The news has just reported that a 4,081,440 - foot wide asteroid is heading toward the Earth.

Scenario 2: You just heard on the radio that a 695,622 km² area of the ocean has become an oxygen-free dead zone.

Now, think quickly – how do you react to this news? Do you panic? Do you relax, secure in the knowledge that the asteroid will burn up in the atmosphere and the dead zone will clear up in the spring?

Nobody knows! What the hell is a kilometer? How I measure something be that many feet wide, when I only have two feet, and neither one is a foot long anyway?

Now imagine if we had a new system in place:

Scenario 3: The news has just reported that an asteroid the size of Texas is heading toward the Earth, and you just heard on the radio that a area of the ocean the size of Texas has become an oxygen-free dead zone.

We need to standardize on a new set of units that actually reflect what is in use today. I am not the inventor of this system, but I would like to codify it and propose a name: the Journalistic System.

The Journalistic System is actually in use today—just open up a newspaper or turn on CNN. Below are some common units. Later, I will post my completely empirical and scientific method for determining and naming units, and some conversion tables.

Area

  • Football Fields. “The new convention center covers 3 football fields of space.â€?
  • Manhattans. “A remote island twice the size of Manhattan.â€?
  • Rhode Islands. “The wildfire covers an area the size of Rhode Island.â€?
  • Texases - “An asteroid the size of Texas.â€? (note: in this case, we are talking about the cross section)

Volume

  • Grains of Sand. “The transistor is thousands of times smaller than a grain of sand.â€?
  • Olympic Swimming Pools. “Each day Americans eat enough barley to fill 20 Olympic swimming pools.â€?
  • Earths that Could Fit Inside. “Jupiter's Great Red Spot is so large that 3 Earths could fit inside.â€?

Data and Information

  • Number of Songs. “This portable hard drive can hold 20,000 songs.â€?
  • Libraries of Congress. “The database for this particle accelerator holds as much data as the Library of Congress.â€?

Food Energy (calories) and/or Fat Content

  • Big Macs. “The new salad, with dressing, is equivalent to 3 Big Macs.â€?

Width

  • Human Hair. “The stress cracks were thinner than a human hair.â€?

Mass

  • Empire State Buildings. “The new oil platform will weigh more than the Empire State Building.â€?

Tumors

  • Currently undecided. Multiple units exist - size of a baseball, size of a tennis ball, football, bowling ball, peach, orange, grape, etc.

Population

  • Chicagos. “At this rate of population growth, it is like adding three Chicagos each year.â€?

Money

  • Starving Children Meals. “What you spend on a cup of coffee could feed a starving child.â€?
  • Cups of Coffee. “What you spend on a cup of coffee could feed a starving child.â€?
  • Inner-city School Teachers. “The cost of the war is enough money to hire 2000 teachers for our inner-city schools.â€?