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1. No sex, no scandal. It's not like he had actual physical sex with any of these pages, that we know of, at least so far. I mean, come on! Do the defeatocrats really want us to believe that just having lustful feelings in your heart is enough to bring shame on your whole party?

And even if it turns out he did rendezvous with some of these young men, we know for a fact that they didn't have sex – they're both male! Every highschooler knows it doesn't count unless what your doing might make a baby.

2. Do the math. Mean spirited bloggers keep using loaded words like “teenager� and “boy� to describe Foley's Congressional page pen pals. Come on! These were 16- to 18-year-olds, old enough to drive and above the age of consent in many places. Todd has written on this very blog about this issue. Below you will find mathematical proof that if we're going to play the “age game,� the pages were taking advantage of Foley.

See source here, and applying different formulas won't help the liberals this time.

3. Hey, what's that behind you! Distracted? Thats what the liberals want you to be. Every time an election season comes up, we get nothing substantial from the Dems—they just trot out some boogeyman. Come on. Why can we just have a substantial debate about the issues for once?

4. It was the alcohol. Obviously the real Mark Foley wouldn't do anything like this. It was the alcohol-I mean, who hasn't gotten wasted, you know, really blitzed, and then wanted to slip the boxers off some hot young men? The entire civilization of Ancient Greece was founded on this principle, and they invented democracy. What, do you hate democracy now?

Besides, it wasn't the alcohol, it was because he was molested by a priest. And really, it's because he's gay. If there one thing all Americans can agree on, it's our fear and hatred of gays. It is a scientific fact that sex is all gays think about – ask any conservative, they have a deep and profound understanding of these stereotypes.

5. He didn't say anything bad after all. One of the reasons this is such a big story is the liberal media is out of touch with youth culture and modern technology. Come on and be honest, grandpa – would you know how to react if you were IMing a younger associate and he told you to “STFU, u R pwned!!!11!!one!� I think Stephen Colbert can explain it better than I can:

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Do you work in an office? Do you work for a large company? Does your company have a mission statement, core values, or a bold declaration of what principles that it holds dear?

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These two clips are brilliant – and the first, more than the second, is a really interesting artifact. First, it shows that Microsoft, hated by Linux geeks and Mac fans the world over as the evil empire, has a sense of humor. Or at least, the Values Team has a sense of humor, and the latitude to have something like this made.

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The second reason this is interesting is that it makes a mockery of the notion that a company has values. Ricky Gervais' character, despite being genuinely hilarious, is a standard trope in corporate training films – the Goofus, brought in as an example of how not do do things. Even Conan O'Brien has played this part.

Usually, though, there is a corresponding Gallant character to show us the way. Not in this case - Stephen Merchant's character is distressed by what has been said, but we're not given very many examples of what these values should mean to each and every one of us.

I wonder. Are these videos just played as ice-breakers, followed by 40 minutes of more standard corporate training? Is Microsoft guerrilla marketing to their own employees, hoping that grabbing their attention will be enough to get some message across?

The first video seems to almost be an acknowledgment that, although we have yearly training and a whole team dedicated to managing them, corporate values are just expensive common sense. Every company is different, obviously, but if you read the news everyday, you're bound to get the impression that if many companies were actually (not just legally) people, they would be sociopaths with multiple personality disorder. They have Core Values too. I wonder if having values and communicating them to your employees has any correlation with ethical behavior, motivation, or success.

How does a values team measure their accomplishments? Do they get bonuses every year the CEO doesn't pull an Enron? Do they get bad reviews when the guy on the loading doc ships his personal items on the company account?

This is not to say that all this is worthless. It would be a really, really interesting research project to figure out how to even measure efficacy, and then see if they are effective. A brief look at the literature suggests it's still a big question...

One of the more interesting aspects of the Batman / Bruce Wayne character is that in addition to fighting crime, he also runs a large, multinational corporation. Actually, it's not so much interesting as it is an excuse for him to have enough money to constantly buy bat-supplies. But you have to wonder what it must be like to work for Wayne Enterprises. Since you are reading this, instead of doing work, it is probably more pertinent to wonder what it's like to get fired from Wayne Enterprises. Below are 10 ways to get fired from Wayne Enterprises. Note to fanboys: all the items below are strictly in canon (see references in (parenthesis)).

1. Take the company private via an IPO, then demote Morgan Freeman to the Archives division. No one puts baby in a corner! (reference)
2. Invent a popular puzzle-based video game, have your unscrupulous boss take all the credit. (reference)
3. Murder a young boy's parents in from of him. (reference)
4. Write an email that says Bruce Wayne sucks. (reference)
5. Write an email that says Batman sucks. (reference)
6. Write an email that says Bruce Wayne and Batman suck in equal and identical ways (reference)
7. Violate the code of business conduct and do poorly on your quarterly performance reviews. (reference)
8. Question the budget item marked “Batmobile tires� (reference)
9. Cripple Batgirl. Just kidding, that's pretty funny. (reference)
10. Mention to Bruce that you knew his father. When Bruce asks if you worked for Wayne Enterprises when you were younger, clarify that you meant you knew him in the biblical sense. (reference)

There is a problem facing society, but no one is willing to talk about it. Virtually every journalist, television reporter, and blogger has personally encountered this problem, and yet – silence. The problem is the metric system. Not just the metric system, but the US customary units as well. Basically, in order to be useful, a measurement system must:

1. Have well-defined units that everyone agrees on.

2. Give people the ability to measure things and understand quantities.

Neither system really meets both of these criteria. The metric system, although it meets the first point, fails miserably on the second. The US system fails the first point semantically, and does a really poor job on the second point.

Allow me to illustrate:

Scenario 1: The news has just reported that a 4,081,440 - foot wide asteroid is heading toward the Earth.

Scenario 2: You just heard on the radio that a 695,622 km² area of the ocean has become an oxygen-free dead zone.

Now, think quickly – how do you react to this news? Do you panic? Do you relax, secure in the knowledge that the asteroid will burn up in the atmosphere and the dead zone will clear up in the spring?

Nobody knows! What the hell is a kilometer? How I measure something be that many feet wide, when I only have two feet, and neither one is a foot long anyway?

Now imagine if we had a new system in place:

Scenario 3: The news has just reported that an asteroid the size of Texas is heading toward the Earth, and you just heard on the radio that a area of the ocean the size of Texas has become an oxygen-free dead zone.

We need to standardize on a new set of units that actually reflect what is in use today. I am not the inventor of this system, but I would like to codify it and propose a name: the Journalistic System.

The Journalistic System is actually in use today—just open up a newspaper or turn on CNN. Below are some common units. Later, I will post my completely empirical and scientific method for determining and naming units, and some conversion tables.

Area

• Football Fields. “The new convention center covers 3 football fields of space.â€?
• Manhattans. “A remote island twice the size of Manhattan.â€?
• Rhode Islands. “The wildfire covers an area the size of Rhode Island.â€?
• Texases - “An asteroid the size of Texas.â€? (note: in this case, we are talking about the cross section)

Volume

• Grains of Sand. “The transistor is thousands of times smaller than a grain of sand.â€?
• Olympic Swimming Pools. “Each day Americans eat enough barley to fill 20 Olympic swimming pools.â€?
• Earths that Could Fit Inside. “Jupiter's Great Red Spot is so large that 3 Earths could fit inside.â€?

Data and Information

• Number of Songs. “This portable hard drive can hold 20,000 songs.â€?
• Libraries of Congress. “The database for this particle accelerator holds as much data as the Library of Congress.â€?

Food Energy (calories) and/or Fat Content

• Big Macs. “The new salad, with dressing, is equivalent to 3 Big Macs.â€?

Width

• Human Hair. “The stress cracks were thinner than a human hair.â€?

Mass

• Empire State Buildings. “The new oil platform will weigh more than the Empire State Building.â€?

Tumors

• Currently undecided. Multiple units exist - size of a baseball, size of a tennis ball, football, bowling ball, peach, orange, grape, etc.

Population

• Chicagos. “At this rate of population growth, it is like adding three Chicagos each year.â€?

Money

• Starving Children Meals. “What you spend on a cup of coffee could feed a starving child.â€?
• Cups of Coffee. “What you spend on a cup of coffee could feed a starving child.â€?
• Inner-city School Teachers. “The cost of the war is enough money to hire 2000 teachers for our inner-city schools.â€?