Boston Business coffee fat Health Humor Politics Post Starbucks

Dunkin donuts will rot your teeth and America

Dunkin Donuts, for those of you who don't know, serves more cups of coffee a day than any other retailer in the US, including Starbucks. The chain, which is more prevalent in Boston than any other and maybe all other food franchises together, boasts the slogan "America runs on Dunkin." This clever ad campaign uses a lot of catchy "They Might be Giants" songs, which have nothing to do with coffee or America, but never the less draws attention to the TV or Radio and more importantly to Dunkin Donuts. When I first moved to Boston in January I didn't get caught up in the hype too much. I wasn't a coffee drinker, rarely ate breakfast, and couldn't even tell you where the closest Dunkin' was to my house. Soon though, I became sucked in. After a few months of heavy drinking in my new city, I decided I needed a new cheaper vice. First, I contemplated cocaine, but decided that wouldn't be much cheaper or very convenient. Second I tried self-asphyxiation; it provided a nice buzz, but several times I blacked out and/or broke blood vessels in my eyes. Then in a moment of weakness to mass marketing, I stopped at Dunkin Donuts and bought my first Iced Coffee or "The Ice" as I've come to call it. Oh the joy! The sweet cold elixir ran easier down my throat then up the oversized straw they provide. The sudden infusion of caffeine to an otherwise caffeine desolate body created a huge rush. I could work faster and longer with better concentration than before. The Ice even provided the shakes that I was beginning to miss from my days as a functioning alcoholic. I was hooked. I couldn't start my day without Dunkin or The Ice. First it started as only a small cup every morning, but as my body built a tolerance to caffeine I had to increase my dosage of The Ice. Soon it was a medium Ice, then a large Ice. I'd grab a cup before I got on the subway and then again when I got to work. The Indian guy (dots not feathers) at my local Dunkins knew I was hooked and began pushing the extra shot of espresso on me. "Large Ice, cream and melted sugar" rang in my head as I slept. I frequented the Dunkins close to my house and work so much that the employees who didn't even speak English had memorized my debit card number. I was hooked on Dunkins and I loved it. But, like all love affairs this one must come to an end. Yesterday I had a root canal; a very painful and expensive procedure. Basically, they fill your cheek with Novocain. Then they begin to drill. If you are not numb enough, they will give you a second shot of Novocaine, but this time in the nerve of the tooth itself. Once you are so thoroughly numbed that your eye on that side won't focus, they begin the removal of the nerve pulp in the center of your tooth. All-in-all it wasn't the worst procedure I've been through. The Endodontist who performed the procedure was very nice, although he was a little surprised that I had brought my own dental dam. In fact, the most painful part was the bill at the end. For 45 minutes of agony I was presented a bill for $1050.00. Holy Shit! For that much money I should be allowed to kick the Dr. in the nuts or at least be allowed to give him a blow job. Where does this fit in with Dunkin Donuts you're asking? Well obviously, it's not my fault I needed a root canal. So it must be the food item that I consume the most; Dunkin Donuts and "The Ice". That sweet sweet goodness must be responsible for my pain and agony. It couldn't have been the years of not brushing and flossing properly, or the fact that I let a bad filling go for over 6 months. Just the idea that this problem wasn't anyone's fault but mine is ridiculous. It's my tooth and my money so I should decide to where to place the blame, right? Not only that, but pointing the finger and placing blame is probably America's favorite past time. If our president and politicians and business leaders can obviously redirect blame and fault from their own laps onto others', why can't I? It's not like I'm telling the world that Dunkin Donuts is responsible for the deaths of thousands because they didn't prepare for a hurricane (not that I can prove anyway), or that Dunkin Donuts started a war because it thought that Iraq (A country that does not have any Dunkin Donuts) was harboring weapons of mass destruction. I'm just saying that my addiction to their Iced Coffee has caused my tooth problems. So does America really run on Dunkin like the ads say? If America runs on Dunkin by drinking its caffeine laced drinks and eating its fat filled breakfast sandwiches, then I don’t know. There are only 3 Dunkin Donuts in Cleveland that I can think of compared to the 4 I walk by just on my way to work in Boston. Or does the slogan "America runs on Dunkin" a metaphor for how Americans are so proficient at placing blame and redirecting fault? America runs on Dunkins because it sleeps better at night knowing that nothing is ever their fault? America runs on Dunkins because it knows most of the time it will not be held responsible for its actions? America runs on Dunkins because our government has established a history of using scapegoats for very serious crimes? This question is one of debate and importance that may never be answered. All I can say for sure is that I need to run out to grab some Tylenol for my tooth, and some of "The Ice" for my conscious. Š