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5 Survival Tips for the War on Christmas

Since many of our troops are committed to the War in Iraq, we find ourselves once again facing an even more dangerous situation here at home. That's right, the War on Christmas. Because the politically correct mainstream media refuses to cover this silent scourge, it's a little-known fact that the War on Christmas now accounts for more deaths in the United States than any other single cause except for diseases and misfortunes. Every time the clerk at the Seven-Eleven says "happy holidays" instead of "merry Christmas," it is a terrorist attack akin to flying a building into a plane, except this happens 1000 times every day. So what can you do to survive this trying ordeal (and maybe kick some butt back)? Here are five tips for surviving the War on Christmas: 1. Remind everyone that America is a Christian nation, founded by Christians on Christian moral standards (as Jesus said, "If they raise the tax on tea again, I'm going to fucking riot!"). They have no choice but to celebrate Christmas, and wish you a merry one. It's in the Constitution... or the Bible maybe... whatever, same thing. 2. Build a Yuletide fallout shelter. You can find construction plans for a sturdy backyard bomb shelter for sale via mail order - check the back pages of a 1966 Popular Science magazine. When the big one hits, it won't be the godless atheists you are fighting - it will be your own neighbors. Stock plenty of provisions such as egg nog, canned Christmas Goose and mistletoe. When the evil radiation of agnosticism begins to clear, send out a dove and do not leave the shelter until it returns with an olive branch. 3. Refuse to shop at any big-box retailer whose employees do not vigorously and specifically bombard you with Christmas blessings. Remember, multi-billion dollar corporations have feelings and care about you as a customer - going to Best Buy instead of Circuit City really makes a difference in the world. Boycott any store with a "Season's Greetings" banner, except for the big sale next Sunday, because seriously, I heard they will have this DVD player for like $29 and they will only have 10 per store so I'm going to camp out Saturday night. 4. Don't forget the true meaning of Christmas. A lot of secular humanists and other fascists will blather on about the spirit of giving, the importance of charity, fellowship and good will towards your fellow man, and other hippy garbage. Also, Santa Claus Frosty the Snowman are not the reason for the season. The true meaning of Christmas is how important it is that Jesus' mom did not have sex before he was born. This is very important. 5. This last tip is absolutely the most important thing you can do this holiday season to survive the War on Christmas: whine and cry about it day and night. Bitch and moan to your friends, family and coworkers. If you have your own cable news show, talk about how offended you are, and how the liberals have gone too far this time, and how political correctness is sending America down a slippery slope toward Sodom and Gomorrah and Maoism. For god's sake, write letters to the editor of your local paper! Construct unfunny "observational humor" jokes to point out how ironic it is when liberals oppress Christians in the name of multiculturalism (BTW you don't understand irony). Strain to work in that zinger that your golf buddy faxed you in 1993 about 'Billary' Clinton, make relevant pop cultural references to the ACLU and feminists! Pontificate over and over about how much better things were in the good old days, when every five and dime had a big, gory crucifix on the wall and we went downtown to see the department store displays but then we saw a black person once in 1973 so we moved far, far out to the suburbs and I hear they are opening a Country Kitchen isn't that exciting! Why don't you call, what am I, chopped liver? You kids get off my lawn! Remember, when a cashier making $6 an hour doing a boring, repetitive job is required by company policy to numbly acknowledge your presence, and they don't do it in your preferred manner, you are being oppressed! You should feel indignant - who will protect Christianity if not you? It's not like you're part of the overwhelming majority. It's not like all three branches of government at the federal, state, and local level are dominated by Christians. You are the scrappy underdog in this Culture War (by Bill O'Reilly), imagine a Hanukkah boot stomping on the face of humanity for all eternity! Thanks to Business Week for bringing this issue to my attention.

Violent Video Game Debate: Bill O Reilly vs A Little Girl

The video game industry covers a wide range of genres, but some of the most popular games allow players to engage in serious simulated violence. At the same time, your local evening news broadcast is filled with reports on violence in schools and gang violence. But are video games (and rap music, and Elvis Presley, and Jazz, and, uhh... flappers?) really to blame for violence among our youths? Culture warrior Bill O'Reilly thinks so, as he told Oprah recently. He has a whole book on this and many other subjects which he ties together under the umbrella of the "Culture War" - basically, traditionalists defending America versus secular-progressives who want drastic changes through undemocratic means. I can't show you the first part of this debate, as it has been removed by the copyright holder. Suffice it to say that a traditionalist like O'Reilly thinks taking away the XBox controller (or Wii remote) and replacing it with a Bible is the right way to lessen violent crime among our young people. Here's a link to a promo that may or may not cover it - I can't get it to play. Now, I won't debate O'Reilly here, in a forum he has no awareness of or interest in. Instead I will present the debate the broadcaster did have with an 8-year-old-girl: [youtube]k8x14cLGh5o[/youtube] Now it is clear that this young lady is intelligent, talented, and - let's face it - adorable. But does her argument hold any weight? She is right that it is hard to blame all violence on video games and rap music, since violence predates both of those items. Her suggestion that religion might be just as valid a cause of violence as popular culture is interesting as well. Note that she doesn't fall into the trap of claiming all violence is due to religion or all religion is violent. Her point seems to be that anyone arguing that replacing video games and rap music with the church will decrease violence should not ignore the numerous, obvious examples of violence prompted by religion. She also points out that she has no reason to believe what is said at one particular church over any other made-up, fictional story. Bill O'Reilly is no amateur, so I'm sure he has some cogent arguments to use against the little girl in this important debate: [youtube]mJjuZg7Mndo[/youtube] That's... interesting. He seems to be saying that video games are bad because... they run on machines, and YouTube runs on machines... uh, and YouTube is bad because somebody put a video of their kid on it...? And video taping a child actor is child abuse? ... Before I award the contest to the little girl, who has at this point completely kicked O'Reilly's ass (rhetorically speaking), I'd like to say the child abuse thing really bothers me. Child abuse is something real, that happens in real world. Children are hurt, abused, and molested by adults, sometimes even their own parents. I know it is a nice, powerful phrase to throw around, that makes you sound important, like "terrorist" and "traitor." But really, Bill? Do you even hear the things that come out of your mouth? Shouldn't there be a Godwin's Law for comparisons to child abuse? I think O'Reilly has made a tactical error here. I don't think he should have responded to the little girl on YouTube - and not because I disagree with him. Now people know that all it takes is a video camera and an Internet connection and you could be picking apart his arguments on equal terms. Although he did not respond to the little girl in a substantive way, he gave her video a place in the sun. Nearly one million people have viewed it now, and not all of them are liberal Democrat dittoheads (is there a term for such a thing on the left?). O'Reilly should know by now that you can't just distort someone's arguments into a straw man. You can't just use ad hominem attacks, although it is really helpful. You need to deny them the ability to speak as well. You need to turn off the microphone.