Alouette
February 13th, 2007
I know a little bit about Mormons. Do you? Did you know that if you play your cards right, Mormons will shovel your driveway for free? In the middle of a snow storm? Let me tell you a little story.
So, today is my day off of work. I decide since it is snowing a lot, I should probably shovel my driveway.  So, I don't know, it's probably around 11:30 and I get all ready and go out and to shovel. I see two girls across the street and I figure they are probably are selling something. And, I am cool with that since I used to have to do that crap for band when I was in high school. So, anyway, I am prepared to buy a band card or whatever magazines they are selling. I can see that I am in their targets as they make a beeline across the street to where I am dutifully shoveling my driveway and sidewalk that I share with my neighbor (I live in townhouses). By the time I realize it, I am too late.
These girls don't appear to be Mormons, which was my first mistake. I mean, these girls are attractive, one would say cute. I didn't know what Mormons looked like before today, but now I know for future reference. They are going to send out the best looking of their flock to bombard potential brainwashees. I don't' know what I thought Mormons were supposed to look like, but they aren't supposed to be that attractive. It's really a good selling point when you think about it.
Anyway, I digress. Here I was, prepared to buy a stupid magazine I didn't want when I heard these girls say, "Hey, can we shovel your driveway?" I felt the fear and I knew there had to be a catch. I look up, and these were not girl scouts trying to earn a new badge. I immediately saw the name tags. The names, I will change for protecting the innocent Mormons or maybe because I already forgot them, were bold on their black name tags surrounded by the bold lettering stating 'Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints'. I was confronted by Sister Wayland and Sister Jehosaphat. Before I could run, Sister Jehosaphat takes the shovel from my hand, hands me her Book of Mormon and begins to shovel.
I was not prepared for their onslaught. They had used their magical Mormon powers to stun me into a stupor whilst I listened with most of my attention to Sister Wayland's story of how great the church was and how great God is and how great life is. I am pretty sure she was telling me that everything is great, which is, of course, a lie, but they make it seem so easy and appealing. I mean, I want everything to be great. I really do, so when she tells me I can have it that way, I want to believe her. And she is cute. I mean, it's really hard to say no to a cute girl. You know what I mean? So, here I am, listening to her and she just keeps talking and I just keep listening.
So, here is how the conversation goes:
Sister Wayland: Hi, can we shovel your driveway for you?
Me: Um...what? (as sister Jehosefat takes the shovel from me) Ah, okay, sure.
SW: We really like to do nice things for other people. Can I talk to you for a minute?
Me: (now, how can i turn her down when they are shoveling my driveway?) Ah, sure...
SW: Have you heard of the book of Mormon?
Me: Yeah.
SW: Oh, really? (she is surprised here, like, Mormons are rare mythical creatures that I would never have seen before) Have you read it?
Me: No.
SW: Oh? It's great. I read from it everyday. It's very inspirational. Have you heard of the bible?
Me: Yeah (seriously?)
SW: So, you know about the book of Mormon? How have you heard of it?
Me: I have seen other members of your congregation when I lived at my old apartment in Akron.
SW: Is that in Ohio? I am not from here. In fact, I have only been here for five days. (for those of you who don't know where Akron is, it IS infact in Ohio. In reality, it's only a half hr drive from where I currently reside, as well)
Me: Yeah. Only for five days? Where are you from?
SW: Utah. (this really explains a lot, being the Mormon capital of the world)
I mean, this goes on for a while. While this is all going on, it is soooo cold outside, her nose is running down her cute little face. I am feeling kinda bad for her, so I interrupt her very exciting description of how great god is and everything and ask her if she would like some Kleenex. Unfortunately , I am out of Kleenex since I myself was sick all week, and so all i have to offer her is toilet paper. How silly.  I was just trying to be nice. We then go back to the description, and then she wants to know if she can come back. I say "of course" because I just can't be mean to such nice and pretty girls. I mean, they are soo nice and soo pretty. What was I supposed to do? And now she has my address and my name and my phone number. So, today I made friends with a Morman.
After all is said and done, I realize that the Sister Jehosefat has shoveled not mine but my neighbor's driveway. Well, I think the moral of this story is that you should really specify which driveway belongs to you when you sell your worldly soul to members of the Church of Latterday Saints. They did leave me with some very motivational reading material and plan on calling me for another information session. I wonder what household chores I can get them to do for me next time they come calling.
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