News broke today out of a German conference on male illnesses that heated seats - a popular option in luxury cars for the last decade or so - may be to blame for reduced sperm counts (via) and may do even more damage than tight pants. Ha ha. That's a funny story, you may think. But you're wrong! This has many implications, reaching down to the class warfare level, and could drastically change the socioeconomic landscape. While heated seats, like most ergonomically oriented automotive features, originated in high-end luxury cars, you can now find the option in many less-than-luxury cars, such as the Volkswagen Beetle. But it remains an option almost across the board, and usually as part of some comfort and convenience option package, which increases the cost of entry into heated-seat playerdom. So, really, it's only the people with disposable income who are toasting their tushies and roasting their chestnuts. And to take it further, it's only the smarmy bastard rich jerks who like to soak their balls in radiant comfort, prolonging the potential damage to Mike and Ike. Up until now, I thought the mood to do so was like caviar - something I'd never understand about their extravagant culture, but harmless. At first blush, lower sperm counts among the filthy rich peanut abusers seems good. Less of them in the future equals more wealth to distribute among the lower and middle classes. But as long as we hold to the paradigm that more education correlates to richer jerks and that more education correlates to less baby-producing, then rich jerks already have dealt with and overcome the problem of infant underproduction and retention of wealth. The real problem comes with the uneven distribution of bunburners. If the poor have to make do with 1985 Cavaliers - sans assheat - then they will reproduce out of proportion to normal society and overwhelm the middle classes by sheer force of numbers. They will demand more resources - resources that the rich will refuse to release from their ever-decreasing ranks (due, of course, to chodal climate change) and which the middle class will be forced to relinquish. Eventually, it'll come down to the haves (having of pubic ignition, that is) and the hordes of chilled netherregions. Stopping this is simply a matter of convincing the automotive aftermarket to offer free crotchal calidity to every Wal-Mart shopper, to every Eminem downloader and to every citizen of Morrow County, Ohio. We can do it. You can help.