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Knocked Up and why I never need to enter a theater again

knockedup_resized.jpgI could turn this into a simple review of Knocked Up. I could say that, while funny, well-cast and full of Katherine Heigl hottness, its needless and mostly uncritical obsession over celebrity culture (and the repeated celebrity cameos) dulls it faster than an evening watching C-SPAN. I could point out the major disconnect of the main character's obsession with celebrity nudity with the fact that we never get to see any of Katherine Heigl's naughty bits, despite two sex scenes and a tub scene. I could list all the ways that Judd Apatow, Seth Rogen and all the supporting characters are interconnected in such a way to make Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon devotees cream their jeans. But no, the reason Knocked Up has me swearing off paying $8 for a theater ticket and another $8 for popcorns and sodas (yeah, things are cheap here in Vermont sometimes) is because I've already seen it. Sure, it's a largely original movie, and I'm not going to claim Apatow stole the ideas for it from an previous work (barring, perhaps, the Miracle of Life, that sex-ed film we all had to watch in the eighth grade). But if you've seen just one trailer for the comedy, then you've seen the whole damn movie. Nearly every comedic scene of that movie was in the trailers, either online or on TV, from Rogen's "You're prettier than me" comment to his buddy's attempt to help with the birth and subsequent warning not to go in the birthing room. While they were indeed worth a chuckle when first watching the trailers, nothing about those scenes evolved into something funnier in the theater. And everybody else in the audience noticed it too - hardly a laugh at the scenes already played over and over again in the trailer. The scenes that did elicit laughs never would have had a chance in the trailers, such as the constant ridiculing of the roommate who bets he won't shave his beard for a year or Ben's worry that having sex while Alison is pregnant will mean that the first thing his child will see is his cock in its face. And this phenomenon didn't just ruin Knocked Up. A good half of the movies my girlfriend drags me to nowadays suffer from the same syndrome - let's call it premature cachinnation. Theoretically, that's not what a trailer's for, to give the whole movie away. Instead, a trailer should entice you with just enough of a sneak peek behind the curtain to give you an idea of what the movie is about and just enough information to decide whether it will be worth your $8. But hey, I don't mind saving my money and hitting up the Apple trailers page. It's another dime the MPAA and the celebrity-industrial complex won't be getting from me.

What Wouldn’t Jesus Do? The Five Funniest Videos of the Son of God

In honor of the passing of Jerry Falwell, who made a mockery of Christ's teachings, we present the best mockeries of Jesus himself. Actually, that's a bit harsh - these aren't really mockeries, more like satire. 1. First off, in Passion of the Christ 2, Judgment Day, we see Hollywood logic extended to Mel Gibson's blockbuster. A box-office hit deserves a sequel, and any self-respecting sequel needs twice as many explosions. [youtube]EWuji6TADXM[/youtube] 2. Family Guy pairs Jesus with Chris Tucker. Finally, some recognition that Jackie Chan is equal to one-third of the holy trinity. [youtube]NqH2dGettBw[/youtube] 3. Monty Python's Life of Brian is, of course, the classic elseworlds version of Christ. Brian is almost, but not quite, Jesus. In this scene, Brian tells us that we're all different: [youtube]qANMjwLmo6Y[/youtube] 4. A modern-day Jesus feels strongly that he will survive. [youtube]fN1dPtEph2U[/youtube] 5. Finally, UltraChrist gives us the most probable scenario. Jesus, returned after nearly 2000 years, finds today's youth just don't relate to him. So he casts away his robes for spandex and becomes UltraChrist! This may also be the only movie depicting Jesus vs. Hitler, Jesus vs. Richard Nixon, and Jesus vs. Jim Morrison. [youtube]uWAkNr_gGh8[/youtube] Did I miss any? put a link to any other great Jesus-based comedies in the comments below. By the way, I disqualified at least one video for cheating - Yakety Sax makes anything funny.

The Virgina Tech Shooter’s Last Victims: Logic and Sanity

The Virginia Tech murders got plenty of coverage in the press and on the Internet, but none of the writers here at Unsought Input weighed in on the subject. Really, there wasn't anything left to say that hadn't already been said a hundred times on a hundred channels already.

But now there is something interesting going on that isn't getting enough coverage. Did you know that there are two more casualties to add to the list of 32 people killed by Seung-Hui Cho? In addition to murdering and wounding all those people, Cho somehow managed to kill common sense and reason in thousands of commentators and high school principals across the country.

For example, school officials at Clements High School in Texas kicked out a student because they thought he posed a threat. No, he didn't threaten anyone, or buy guns, or stalk girls, or anything like that. He made a level in the game Counter-Strike based on a map of his high school. And posted it on his MySpace page.

For those of you who are out of the video game loop, Counter-Strike is a first-person shooter where you fight a bunch of terrorists, or alternatively fight a bunch of anti-terrorist troops. As you can imagine, it involves a lot of shotting and blowing stuff up. It's most fun when you compete and cooperate with other players.

Now why would a student replicate his high school in such a game unless he was using it as a simulation to train for an attack on his school? In the weeks since the VA Tech massacre, thousands of people would think that's a very good question. That's because they are scared out of their wits.

Why would he do such a thing? Listen, in high school I bought a game named Sim City 2000 (no I will not let you download it for free). One of the first things I did, after getting the hang of how to build a city, was build my home town. My home town was a dismal failure because I lived in a suburb with no industry and there were some scale issues, but that's beside the point.

Later in my high school career, I was president of the computer club. Yes, I know that also makes me king of the nerd patrol, whatever, I have to represent. One of our projects was to build a map of the school in the game Doom (or maybe Duke Nukem, the memory is getting hazy). It was a lot of fun, trying to get the textures right, figuring out where to put the power-ups so that the game would be fun to play.

It never occurred to us that we were doing anything wrong, or that we could use this map for plotting elaborate scenarios. It never occurred to me that building my little home town in Sim City and then unleashing tornadoes on it was wrong. That's because the whole idea is ludicrous.

Why do people play video games? Because, like any game, they are interactive. Some games take interaction to the next level, allowing you to do more than just explore virtual places - you can build your own. This appeals to the same kids who loved Legos when they were younger, and while they may not be the star quarterback or head cheerleader, they are hardly murderous misanthropes.

But what about the link between video games and violence? It turns out the link isn't quite that simple. Apparently only unstable people are really effected by violent video game content, but not any more than they are by violent movies, or even increases in room temperature.

What about the link between Cho and Counter-Strike? Uh, did he ever even play Counter-Strike? Or any video games for that matter? Does anyone actually know, or are they just making it up to get on TV?
After a tragedy like this, people want closure. They want to be able to do something to make sure it doesn't happen again, or find something to place all the blame on. Unfortunately, Cho was a self-important nutjob who refused the help that was offered to him at every turn. There's not really much we can do about that, so bring out the scapegoats and lose the rationality.

George W. Bush Busts a Move

I don't think I can add anything to this. George W. Bush busts a move with some African dancers, via the Daily Show: More video of the move-busting... [youtube]FIuODSIuHLo[/youtube]

UFC Surprise Upset

Last Night was UFC 70 Live from Manchester, England. The Main Event featured favorite Mirko Cro Cop vs. Gabriel Gonzaga. The fight was supposed to be a stepping stone for Cro Cop to face current heavyweight champ Randy Coutre at an upcoming PPV. Cro Cop was the odds on favorite and was supposed to win the match easily. Unfortunately nobody told Brazilian Gabriel Gonzaga who knocked him out in the first round. [youtube]wHlLY_ehyzM[/youtube] Actually he didn't just knock him out, he knocked him the fuck out. Look at it in slow motion you can see Cro Cop go completely unconcious and twist his knee and ankle badly in the process.  The ironic thing is Cro Cop was the one with the extensive kickboxing background not Gonzaga, whom nobody expected to be able to land a kick like that. This just goes to show how exciting the UFC is and how unlike other "professional" fights it is not fixed. If some one has enough heart they will be given the chance to prove themselves. I don't envy Randy Coutre who now has to face Gonzaga who will be looking to to further make a new for himself by defeating Coutre. Gonzaga definately is a serious contender now.