In honor of the passing of Jerry Falwell, who made a mockery of Christ’s teachings, we present the best mockeries of Jesus himself. Actually, that’s a bit harsh - these aren’t really mockeries, more like satire.
1. First off, in Passion of the Christ 2, Judgment Day, we see Hollywood logic extended to Mel Gibson’s blockbuster. A box-office hit deserves a sequel, and any self-respecting sequel needs twice as many explosions.
It has taken five years and two wars, but finally, author Dinesh D’Souza has found the real cause of the 9-11 terrorist attacks. Saddam Hussien? Nope. Lax airport security? Sorry. Osama bin Laden and the extreme religious conservatives who plotted and carried out the attacks? Not so much.
The real culprit is gay marriage and Fear Factor. D’Souza explained on the Colbert Report.
Now, some might say that advocating that we become more like the terrorists in order to avoid terrorist attacks is sort of like giving in. But that’s just silly. Let me explain why with a simple analogy everyone can understand :
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Musicals. If you stop and think about it, it’s bizarrely amazing that musicals continue to exist. The fact that they make up a whole genre of theater and film is stranger still.
People just start singing, for no reason, or for contrived reasons. They dance around, in the middle of the day. Don’t get me wrong, musicals take a lot of skill to write, score, direct, and act in. But let’s face it - if there were no such thing as musicals, and you had never heard of The Sound of Music, or Grease, or Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, and someone tried to explain the concept to you, the only possible response would be, “WTF?”
Which is why I have developed a theory: the best musicals are the ones that make fun of musicals, or at the very least point out the absurdity of the whole business. Here is empirical, scientific proof. The ten best musicals that make fun of musicals:
Since many of our troops are committed to the War in Iraq, we find ourselves once again facing an even more dangerous situation here at home. That’s right, the War on Christmas.
Because the politically correct mainstream media refuses to cover this silent scourge, it’s a little-known fact that the War on Christmas now accounts for more deaths in the United States than any other single cause except for diseases and misfortunes. Every time the clerk at the Seven-Eleven says “happy holidays” instead of “merry Christmas,” it is a terrorist attack akin to flying a building into a plane, except this happens 1000 times every day.
So what can you do to survive this trying ordeal (and maybe kick some butt back)? Here are five tips for surviving the War on Christmas:
…Can be found in this 30-second video.
I stumbled upon this website a few weeks ago and it’s really funny. It has a little something for everyone. You just have to see for yourself instead of me ruining it for you by describing it.
www.fakegaynews.com
1. No sex, no scandal. It’s not like he had actual physical sex with any of these pages, that we know of, at least so far. I mean, come on! Do the defeatocrats really want us to believe that just having lustful feelings in your heart is enough to bring shame on your whole party?
And even if it turns out he did rendezvous with some of these young men, we know for a fact that they didn’t have sex – they’re both male! Every highschooler knows it doesn’t count unless what your doing might make a baby.
2. Do the math. Mean spirited bloggers keep using loaded words like “teenagerâ€? and “boyâ€? to describe Foley’s Congressional page pen pals. Come on! These were 16- to 18-year-olds, old enough to drive and above the age of consent in many places. Todd has written on this very blog about this issue. Below you will find mathematical proof that if we’re going to play the “age game,â€? the pages were taking advantage of Foley.
Hi guys! My name is Jamal and I just wanted to introduce our new Klub. This is the Gay Black Jewish Klansmen for Tolerance and Understanding Klub. I am this years (our first!) President and cofounder with Dante. I am posting a picture of our first meeting after we got the robes specially made in Mexico. (They were expensive! Who knew that pink and purple satin cost so much!)
Not pictured: Danny. We told him that he didn’t fit the criteria for the Klub but he kept showing up at Dante’s house and saying things like “I thought you were understanding! Either way, we had to change the night so he would stop coming. And, Dante’s mom told him that if he shows up again, she will call the police. Thanks Dante’s mom!
One of the more interesting aspects of the Batman / Bruce Wayne character is that in addition to fighting crime, he also runs a large, multinational corporation. Actually, it’s not so much interesting as it is an excuse for him to have enough money to constantly buy bat-supplies.
But you have to wonder what it must be like to work for Wayne Enterprises. Since you are reading this, instead of doing work, it is probably more pertinent to wonder what it’s like to get fired from Wayne Enterprises.
Below are 10 ways to get fired from Wayne Enterprises. Note to fanboys: all the items below are strictly in canon (see references in (parenthesis)). (more…)
There is a problem facing society, but no one is willing to talk about it. Virtually every journalist, television reporter, and blogger has personally encountered this problem, and yet – silence.
The problem is the metric system. Not just the metric system, but the US customary units as well. Basically, in order to be useful, a measurement system must:
Give people the ability to measure things and understand quantities.
Neither system really meets both of these criteria. The metric system, although it meets the first point, fails miserably on the second. The US system fails the first point semantically, and does a really poor job on the second point.
Allow me to illustrate:
Scenario 1: The news has just reported that a 4,081,440 - foot wide asteroid is heading toward the Earth.
Scenario 2: You just heard on the radio that a 695,622 km² area of the ocean has become an oxygen-free dead zone.
Now, think quickly – how do you react to this news? Do you panic? Do you relax, secure in the knowledge that the asteroid will burn up in the atmosphere and the dead zone will clear up in the spring?
Nobody knows! What the hell is a kilometer? How I measure something be that many feet wide, when I only have two feet, and neither one is a foot long anyway?
