Unsought Input

They go door-to-door. They are affable and conspicuously pleasant to deal with. And they both want to save your soul. But in the end, there can be only one, so we ask: what happens when Mormons and Jehovah’s witnesses collide?

Okay, that was fun. Most of us turn off the lights and hide when either group comes knocking (that is, unless you have some yardwork for them to do). But what if both groups showed up at your door- who should you listen to and who should you direct to the curb?

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What can you possibly have against Mormons? They are such gentle creatures, truly the best definition of passive aggressive. How can anyone be so nice? All the time? It’s just not…natural. Anyway, I have decided to inform you about Mormons. It’s my civil duty as a scientist of sorts to document these strange human-like creatures. I am just going to fill you in on the main “points” of this 177 year old religion.

1. This church was created by Joseph Smith Jr on April 6th 1830 in Western New York. Apparently he was visited God, Jesus and by the Angel Maroni, who is the son of Mormon, an “original” white Native American who was hanging out with Jesus while Jesus was hanging out in North America (Jesus is white, too, in case you were wondering). The stained glass window to the right here shows you the family resemblance that God and Jesus have, proving that Joseph Smith really did speak to them which later helped him to find mythical golden plates and seeing stones called Urim and Thummim (a Hebrew divination process ironically given to Joseph Smith as well) and establish Mormonism.

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I know a little bit about Mormons.  Do you?  Did you know that if you play your cards right, Mormons will shovel your driveway for free?  In the middle of a snow storm?  Let me tell you a little story.

So, today is my day off of work.  I decide since it is snowing a lot, I should probably shovel my driveway.   So, I don’t know, it’s probably around 11:30 and I get all ready and go out and to shovel.  I see two girls across the street and I figure they are probably are selling something.  And, I am cool with that since I used to have to do that crap for band when I was in high school.  So, anyway, I am prepared to buy a band card or whatever magazines they are selling.  I can see that I am in their targets as they make a beeline across the street to where I am dutifully shoveling my driveway and sidewalk that I share with my neighbor (I live in townhouses).  By the time I realize it, I am too late.

These girls don’t appear to be Mormons, which was my first mistake.  I mean, these girls are attractive, one would say cute.  I didn’t know what Mormons looked like before today, but now I know for future reference.  They are going to send out the best looking of their flock to bombard potential brainwashees.  I don’t’ know what I thought Mormons were supposed to look like, but they aren’t supposed to be that attractive.  It’s really a good selling point when you think about it.

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