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So, in my last post, I mentioned that we housed a band, Street to Nowhere, for a night. I do enjoy playing hostess, so I was thinking that it would rock if I could figure out how to set up something here that bands who are coming to Cleveland could stay at my house for free if they'd like. But, how do you advertise that kind of thing? I mean, I guess that I am doing it here, but that's not quite what I mean. I would really like to do this, 1. because I love taking care of people, 2. because it must suck not knowing where you are gonna stay from night to night and 3. because I would probably meet some really cool people. Did i mention that I was really excited to have the band stay at my house? Like a stupid little girl on her first day of school (sue me, I was a nerd and loved to go back to school), I was giddy with the excitement of "Holy shit, they are coming, i need to clean up so it's presentable for them when they get here!!!". It's all good. I even offered to make them breakfast, even if it is just toast and eggs, maybe oatmeal. So, if you have any suggestions for me on how I can become a band hostel, let me know. If you are a band member and you are reading this and thinking that you might be coming to Cleveland and need a place to stay, you can always leave a comment below with a way I can contact you or hit up my myspace. (like anyone reads my posts who doesn't already write for unsought, ha!)

Had a weigh in for the competition recently and I’m down 30 lbs. total. 30 lbs in two months and I haven’t done anything unhealthy to lose it. I’m getting positive comments on my weight daily. Chuck and I finally got to run his neighborhood again this weekend and challenge the monster hill of doom. End result: 5 ½ miles and one conquered hill. At the risk of going all Tony Robbins, I want to share how I’ve been able to achieve all of this in such a short time. I was completely and utterly disgusted with myself but now I’m confident that someday I’ll be able to achieve my goals. So read on, and see how you too can achieve what I have. Give yourself multiple pieces of motivation. If you read my last post, my weight loss kicked off with a bet. A sizable chunk of money ($180) was waiting for the winner. And that money was great motivation to start. But once the contest was over, what then? I wanted to make a serious life change. Short term goals might get you moving, but changing the way I ate in the long term meant I needed long term motivation. My first motivation was running a marathon. I knew I couldn’t get in that much shape during the three short months of the challenge. I also knew that in order to run a marathon, I had to get down to where carrying my weight wouldn’t be too huge a burden on my legs. My second motivation was to get more, ahem, “attention� from my wife. My wife is into tall, skinny, gay guys out of Japanese comics. I fit in only one of those categories, the least I could do is fit into two. Just to be clear, the two categories are tall and skinny. My third motivation is this tight knit turtleneck sweater that I’d look bad ass in if I didn’t have a gut. There will be pain, but it won’t last. Biggest and best thing I did was cut soda out of my diet. A bottle of soda is two servings, and you run some 180-260 calories per serving. One soda is a meal! All I used to drink was soda. And beer. Mmmmmm… beer. Anyway, stopping the soda intake meant stopping the caffeine intake. Which meant withdrawal. Which meant three solid days of splitting headaches. But doing it that way was better than the alternatve. One of my fellow competitiors slowly weaned himself off of Mountain Dew, and put himself through two weeks of mild headaches. I’m a get over it and get going kind of guy. The other pain was the hunger. This too will pass. The American Obesity diet plan is all about big portions that you don’t need. Your primitive survival instincts always want to pack on fat because you don’t know if your tribe will be able to find a berry patch or hunt down a wildebeest tomorrow. So when you cut your calorie intake below what you burn in an average day (which is the only way to lose weight), your body starts to look to replenish its fat stores. Don’t give in. It takes about ten days to get used to the smaller portions. You have to break down to rebuild. I didn’t realize I was on the Fat Smash Diet until I browsed through the book three weeks in. Much to my surprise, I was following the same program they do on Celebrity Fit Club. Fat Smash is a diet in the scientific sense… you don’t go on it and then off it, you make it your diet for life. Much better then destroying your kidneys on Atkins, or starving yourself on the new fad diet and then gaining it back when your done. To start off I cut my calories way down, ate pretty much purely healthy stuff. Total fruits and vegetables, no red meat. Did I get rid of carbs? NO! Carbs are energy. I hate this low carb culture we’ve created. It’s bullshit. I ate subway A LOT. That bread has a lot of carbs. Here I am, 30 pounds later. I ate 1000-1200 calories a day for about two weeks. Spark People, a free diet website was a huge help during that time period. I really suggest you give them a shot. The amount of calories is not good long term, but I had no intention of staying there. It was a purging. I was so used to consuming 1000 calorie meals, that just to cut some food here or there would never work. But using that as a base got me used to portion control, and when I slowly built up to a safe 1600-1800 I felt like I was endulging myself. I am dead serious here about YOU MUST WORK UP TO A HEALTHY INTAKE. It actually helps you lose weight. When you stay at that low a level, your body goes into starvation defense, kills your energy level, and throws on as much fat as it can because it thinks it needs to keep you alive. Water is your best friend. Remember how I stopped drinking soda. Well I started drinking water. Non stop. And I used to hate water. I also used to have the driest, most cracked skin in the worl. Now girls ask me how much I moisturizer I use to get my baby botttom smoothness. Water is awesome on so many levels. It has 0 calories. It is is vital for metabolizing fat into energy… in other words, the more you drink, the more fat you burn off. It keeps your skin healthy. It cools you down. You MUST drink at least 8 cups a day. Do better. Drink 10. Make that 12. Yes, you will pee every hour on the hour. Make it a game. If you don’t pee clear, you didn’t drink enough water. If you’re thirsty, you aren’t drinking enough water. I got up in the middle of that last sentence to drink more water. On a side note, drink tap water. Don’t fall for the bottled water is cleaner scam. The water coming out of your tap is monitored by local, state, and federal organizations. It has all sorts of rules. Bottled water falls under a loophole that considers it on the same level of soda and does not have the same stringent codes. So in the best case, they filled it out of the same tap you did, and only ripped you off by charging you $2.00 for a plastic bottle that cost them half a cent. In the worse case you are drinking spring water that was downstream from where the bears crap… and the bears have dysentery. Eat a breakfast of Champions I never ate breakfast. I had diarrhea about three times a week. Coincidence? Not really. Eating a high fiber breakfast every day is great on so many levels. Every morning I pour Post Raisin Bran into a measuring cup. Pour said cup into a bowl. Fill measuring cup halfway with soy milk (8^th Continent or Silk). Pour said cup into bowl. Voila. This plus eating takes me five minutes and destroys my old “I don’t have time for breakfast argument�. I love Raisin Bran. The fiber does two things. First,it jump starts my metabolism. Second, it keeps me regular. I haven’t been regular for years… probably since my Mom stopped making me eat breakfast. Total caloric intake at breakfast: under 300. Several times a week I throw in a banana and make it 350. So that just about covers my diet. Next time I’ll discuss my exercise plan. Good Luck!

When you surpass the weight of Homer Simpson, you began to develop an elephantine disgust with oneself. I had done this several months prior, yet kept engorging myself with foodstuffs through the holidays. It is a lucky bit then, I suppose, that ultimate collision of several motivating entities that drove the forging of both form and mind. With continuing fortitude, I shall hammer myself into an ultra-marathoner. What a load of pretentious drek that was… In all seriousness, I had previously heard that the only way the vast majority of people who achieve a drastic change in body type manage to do so is the mindset that comes along with absolute abject misery towards the state of their body. To paraphrase: I was a disgusting fat body. I felt my fat had gained enough experience to go up a level. Somewhere between 230 (Homer’s weight) and my peak of 252 I had slipped into obesity. You can feel this. Your bulges no longer seem to be a part of you, but almost as though you are wearing a coat of lipids. The underside of your arm touches your chest before it’s supposed to. When you sit on the toilet, your gut takes a nap on top of your leg. You sense your wife’s growing abhorrence towards your naked form. I would like to think that that was the kicker, that my need to please the love of my life was enough to push me to better health. For the sake of not delving into the darker, more honest portions of my psyche, we’ll leave it at that. Luckily, several other things simultaneously occurred, the first being that several of my teammates at work expressed a similar desire to shed a few pounds. Competitive nutcases that we are, a bet was formed. Money was put on the line, big money. The second motivating factor was Wired magazine publishing an article on Dean Karnazes. Dean is known as the “Ultramarathon Man� This guy ran 50 marathons in 50 days. He’s ran a marathon at the south pole. He’s won the Badwater Ultramarathon, a 135 milerace from Death Valley up a mountain… in the middle of summer. I was awed at what he had done, and inspired. If this guy could push the limits of human endurance as far as he had, I certainly could push myself 1 50^th of the way there. And I could give myself 2 years to do it, which would give a nice milestone of running a marathon when I’m thirty. I plan on covering the grueling steps to get where I’ve gone, and where I’m going. But right now I’ll just settle for telling you we had our second of 3 weigh ins for the bet. I’ve lost 30 pounds, more than twice the competition. I can run 5 miles on a hill climb program when I’ve never been able to run much more than 1 flat, even when I was in my weight lifting football years. I bought a belt yesterday because I was on my old belts last notch and my pants were slipping off. Best of all, I’ve had a lot of women tell me they can tell I’ve lost weight and I’m looking good. And one of those women happens to be my wife.

So, as stated previously in the title, this article is supposed to be about entertainment for road trips (and four hour drives). In particular, road trips that I am taking, but these can be applied to all sorts of events, even just short road jaunts, like the family trip to Wal*Mart or the much more anticipated Sunday excursion to The Mall. I mean, most of these games are created to entertain bored passengers at the expense of others, so please feel free to not read these if you are going to be offended when I am making fun of you on the highway. Just trying to help. Okay, so most of these can be played anytime but some of them are seasonal, which will be decidedly marked as such as we go down the list. Also, and I will mention this again, please feel free to leave in the comments section more ideas for entertaining games for road trips. I will definitely comment on whether they suck or not. 1. The accident game: This is an easy game. The first person to spot an accident gets the points. Points can be assigned as necessary, the severity of the accident is proportional to the amount of points assigned. The accident has to be confirmed in order to count for points by at least one other person inside of the vehicle. Now, if you are the cause for the accident, you lose this game for life. If you are in the accident, no one gets points for it. Also, a seasonality exists for this game. For example, in the winter, a jack knifed truck in a snow drift doesn't count for as many points as it would in the summertime when the weather is much less adverse. So, just keep that in consideration. 2. Honk and Wave: This game is basically self explanatory. You honk and wave at people, and if they wave back, you get points. You can make your own points assignment system depending on where you live, but if you are located in the midwest US area you can feel free to use the point systems allocated to me by my friend The Vic who made this game up, or at least this particular point assignment. -1 point for pedestrians -2 for people on tractors -5 for people in cars -10 for people in mac trucks -20 for people in horse and buggy -50 for any accidents you cause This game is not as compatible with the aforementioned accident game. Play one at a time or pick one you like more. I don't care. 3. The Mullet Game: This game is a game for all times. It is not limited to just playing on road trips. This game is a lifestyle. I mean, when someone wakes up in the morning, looks in the mirror and says "damn, this awesome hairstyle looks so rad!" they are just begging to be made fun of. And if you have a mullet and are reading this, no you do not get points for yourself. Here are the rules: First one to spot the mullet gets the point. It has to be spotted by a second for the points to be valid and the group must agree that it is, in fact a mullet. The points for this game get a little complicated so feel free to customize it to fit your particular needs. -1 pt for a regular mullet. If you don't know what a mullet is, just remember this catchy little phrase, business up front, party in the back. -2pts for a skullet (the bald mullet), the she-mullet, the 80's rocker mullet, the manicured mullet and the red neck mullet. -double points for a pair of mullets, such as two friends hanging out or lovers. -triple points for a gay couple who both have mullets, groups larger than three or mullets that are hair sprayed higher than three inches. -Automatic win for the day would consist of finding something like this: Please, feel free to comment on how to improve upon these classic road trip games or post new games for the generation. If you even put down the license plate bingo game, though, you will be cursed to die the most unoriginal death i can think of at the time.

I know a little bit about Mormons.  Do you?  Did you know that if you play your cards right, Mormons will shovel your driveway for free?  In the middle of a snow storm?  Let me tell you a little story. So, today is my day off of work.  I decide since it is snowing a lot, I should probably shovel my driveway.   So, I don't know, it's probably around 11:30 and I get all ready and go out and to shovel.  I see two girls across the street and I figure they are probably are selling something.  And, I am cool with that since I used to have to do that crap for band when I was in high school.  So, anyway, I am prepared to buy a band card or whatever magazines they are selling.  I can see that I am in their targets as they make a beeline across the street to where I am dutifully shoveling my driveway and sidewalk that I share with my neighbor (I live in townhouses).  By the time I realize it, I am too late. These girls don't appear to be Mormons, which was my first mistake.  I mean, these girls are attractive, one would say cute.  I didn't know what Mormons looked like before today, but now I know for future reference.  They are going to send out the best looking of their flock to bombard potential brainwashees.  I don't' know what I thought Mormons were supposed to look like, but they aren't supposed to be that attractive.  It's really a good selling point when you think about it. Anyway, I digress. Here I was, prepared to buy a stupid magazine I didn't want when I heard these girls say, "Hey, can we shovel your driveway?"  I felt the fear and I knew there had to be a catch.  I look up, and these were not girl scouts trying to earn a new badge.  I immediately saw the name tags.  The names, I will change for protecting the innocent Mormons or maybe because I already forgot them, were bold on their black name tags surrounded by the bold lettering stating 'Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints'.  I was confronted by Sister Wayland and Sister Jehosaphat. Before I could run, Sister Jehosaphat takes the shovel from my hand, hands me her Book of Mormon and begins to shovel. I was not prepared for their onslaught.  They had used their magical Mormon powers to stun me into a stupor whilst I listened with most of my attention to Sister Wayland's story of how great the church was and how great God is and how great life is.  I am pretty sure she was telling me that everything is great, which is, of course, a lie, but they make it seem so easy and appealing.  I mean, I want everything to be great.  I really do, so when she tells me I can have it that way, I want to believe her. And she is cute.  I mean, it's really hard to say no to a cute girl.  You know what I mean?  So, here I am, listening to her and she just keeps talking and I just keep listening. So, here is how the conversation goes: Sister Wayland: Hi, can we shovel your driveway for you? Me: Um...what? (as sister Jehosefat takes the shovel from me) Ah, okay, sure. SW: We really like to do nice things for other people.  Can I talk to you for a minute? Me: (now, how can i turn her down when they are shoveling my driveway?) Ah, sure... SW: Have you heard of the book of Mormon? Me: Yeah. SW: Oh, really? (she is surprised here, like, Mormons are rare mythical creatures that I would never have seen before) Have you read it? Me: No. SW: Oh?  It's great.  I read from it everyday.  It's very inspirational.  Have you heard of the bible? Me: Yeah (seriously?) SW: So, you know about the book of Mormon?  How have you heard of it? Me: I have seen other members of your congregation when I lived at my old apartment in Akron. SW: Is that in Ohio? I am not from here.  In fact, I have only been here for five days.  (for those of you who don't know where Akron is, it IS infact in Ohio.  In reality, it's only a half hr drive from where I currently reside, as well) Me: Yeah. Only for five days? Where are you from? SW: Utah.  (this really explains a lot, being the Mormon capital of the world) I mean, this goes on for a while.  While this is all going on, it is soooo cold outside, her nose is running down her cute little face.  I am feeling kinda bad for her, so I interrupt her very exciting description of how great god is and everything and ask her if she would like some Kleenex.  Unfortunately , I am out of Kleenex since I myself was sick all week, and so all i have to offer her is toilet paper.  How silly.   I was just trying to be nice. We then go back to the description, and then she wants to know if she can come back.  I say "of course" because I just can't be mean to such nice and pretty girls.  I mean, they are soo nice and soo pretty.  What was I supposed to do?  And now she has my address and my name and my phone number.  So, today I made friends with a Morman. After all is said and done, I realize that the Sister Jehosefat has shoveled not mine but my neighbor's driveway.  Well, I think the moral of this story is that you should really specify which driveway belongs to you when you sell your worldly  soul to members of the Church of Latterday Saints.  They did leave me with some very motivational reading material and plan on calling me for another information session.  I wonder what household chores I can get them to do for me next time they come calling.