Low maintenance living with Swank
Hello boys and girls. Who has time to clean in this day and age? And be stylish? Not the average busy loser (don't worry, I'm not talking about you!), that's for sure. I can help! I know, I know. I can hear your doubts because I am psychic. But just read on, and I will enlighten you to a world of low maintenance style and class.
The first thing you need in order to get your nerd pad in order is disposable dishes. I mean, yeah, you do have those ones that your mom gave you when you moved out (she was so happy that you moved out, too), but all they do is sit in the sink covered in their own filth and ferment (how dare them!), making your pad smell like a convention hall of old homeless folk at the mid-summer convention of old homeless folks under the bridge by the stagnant waste water of the nuclear power plant on the Eastside. You know, the annual OHFCBTR (old homeless folk convention by the river).
Instead, throw your plates and glasses away. You don't need glasses, either. Now, I know that you can
reuse the same glass several times, but what happens if you break the glass and cut yourself? Would your roomie find you and take you to the hospital before you bled to death or would s/he just leave you there, throw a towel over you and use you as a new ottoman? I think we both know the answer. Use the plastic cups. And, for you stylish guys and girls out there, they come in more than just Styrofoam snow white and ballgame beer cup red. And these, too, are reusable! So, you get two birds with one stone! Don't forget the plastic cutlery! Who wants to eat off of metal when you can have disposable "silverware"?! It's much more stylish than normal "silver". I found out it's not even real silver, cause that would be cool. All medieval and stuff. NO, my friends, it is STEEL! Blasphemy! And stainless steel at that! Like those liars at Teflon, I won't have it! (Nothing sticks to Teflon, eh? Oh, and Teflon doesn't stick to the pan, either. Liars! It doesn't taste like much, either, once it's all in your food and not on your pot. Couldn't they make it flavored if it's going to become part of whatever you cook, anyway?) Either way, check out all the colors available. You could mix and match all your colors and it would be sweet. See, your pad smells better and you are much cooler than you were before you read this.
I realize that there might be some naysayers out there to criticize my ideas, that's just because I am cooler than you and you know it. Yeah, I said it. If you don't agree with my ways of waste and laziness, you are a hippie. A dirty, stinky hippie with those nasty dreadlocks that look like poo hanging on to your head for dear life in fear of the moment that you might think about showering. Cause the environment loves stinky people. Ask the people at the OHFCBTR. They just may invite you to their gala, but only if you bathed at least once this year. And patchouli doesn't count! It doesn't hide the stink, it just makes it worse. Seriously.
Sorry, I got off topic. Anyway, please wait for more updates on how to live the swank life on low maintenance but high style. Because you know you need it.
