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Heated seats are embiggening the poor!

News broke today out of a German conference on male illnesses that heated seats - a popular option in luxury cars for the last decade or so - may be to blame for reduced sperm counts (via) and may do even more damage than tight pants. Ha ha. That's a funny story, you may think. But you're wrong! This has many implications, reaching down to the class warfare level, and could drastically change the socioeconomic landscape. While heated seats, like most ergonomically oriented automotive features, originated in high-end luxury cars, you can now find the option in many less-than-luxury cars, such as the Volkswagen Beetle. But it remains an option almost across the board, and usually as part of some comfort and convenience option package, which increases the cost of entry into heated-seat playerdom. So, really, it's only the people with disposable income who are toasting their tushies and roasting their chestnuts. And to take it further, it's only the smarmy bastard rich jerks who like to soak their balls in radiant comfort, prolonging the potential damage to Mike and Ike. Up until now, I thought the mood to do so was like caviar - something I'd never understand about their extravagant culture, but harmless. At first blush, lower sperm counts among the filthy rich peanut abusers seems good. Less of them in the future equals more wealth to distribute among the lower and middle classes. But as long as we hold to the paradigm that more education correlates to richer jerks and that more education correlates to less baby-producing, then rich jerks already have dealt with and overcome the problem of infant underproduction and retention of wealth. The real problem comes with the uneven distribution of bunburners. If the poor have to make do with 1985 Cavaliers - sans assheat - then they will reproduce out of proportion to normal society and overwhelm the middle classes by sheer force of numbers. They will demand more resources - resources that the rich will refuse to release from their ever-decreasing ranks (due, of course, to chodal climate change) and which the middle class will be forced to relinquish. Eventually, it'll come down to the haves (having of pubic ignition, that is) and the hordes of chilled netherregions. Stopping this is simply a matter of convincing the automotive aftermarket to offer free crotchal calidity to every Wal-Mart shopper, to every Eminem downloader and to every citizen of Morrow County, Ohio. We can do it. You can help.

Harry Knowles is a Fat Douche

I am writing about my extreme odious loathing of the fire maned humanoid-like blob of cellulite, Harry Knowles and his ilk. My main problem with him, besides his physical repugnance that would cause the most staunch conservative to support a broad eugenics program, is his crappy uber-nerd inspired "movie reviews". Movie reviews is in quotations because they are not so much reviews as his own retarded opinions on the latest hollywood comicbook/videogame/sci-fi/fantasy novel movie crapfest. His like or dislike of movies are based on his extreme obsessiveness for the movie being as close to the source material as possible (sorry that Wolverine didn't have enough chest hair for your liking shitdick). My other problem is that this so called "film lover" has no idea what even constitutes an actual good movie. His movie knowledge only goes back to 1977 not surprisingly the year the first Star Wars was released (yes I know it is episode IV nerdlings, but to the vast majority of the population that actually has had intercourse no one gives a fuck). Apparently the greatest directors of all time are George Lucas and Stephen Spielberg, fuck those guys like Coppola, Hitchcock, Scorcese, etc. they don't have enough laser swords or nazis on zeppelins to be real auteurs. Evidence of his horrible taste in cinema is shown by his glowing reviews of nearly every crappy hollywood f/x fest that comes his way. Take a look at these movies that he just couldn't stop gushing about: Snakes on a Plane, Lady in the Water, Monster House, Click, Superman Returns, Mission Impossible III, The New World. About the only movie he didn't like was X-Men 3 because apparently it didn't fulfill his masturbatory fantasy of what the Phoenix would look like in real life. Here is an actual quote on why he didn't like the movie, "I continue to be quite fond of Shawn Ashmore’s Bobby Drake – though I’d kill to see him actually ICEMAN out. Ya know? Icing up to deliver a headbutt is just lame to me". My god, MY GOD, people actually go to this site to see if a movie is good or not. Hmm, well here's a plausible senario, Hey honey lets take the kids out to a movie tonight. I wonder what we should see? I've heard that X-Men 3 is good, but I just don't know if its something we would all like. Let me just go onto the internet and look at aintitcool.com to see what that genius of cinematic critique, and chromosomal abomination, Harry Knowles has to say about it. Uh oh, apparently Iceman doesn't acutally ICEMAN out in the movie. He just ices up to deliver a headbutt. But hey Harry loved Click, he said about the one part "Specifically, I liked that gag of pausing, moving the one kid’s arm down, and the ball smacking that fucking kid right in the face. To me… hitting a little defenseless boy in the face with a baseball and humiliating him, without that kid knowing how or why he’d just been smacked in the face… Well, that’s comedy. (actual quote, I could not make up shit this fucking retarded if I tried, in fact I've just come up with a new term to describe Harry Knowles writing style, Fucktarded)", thats definitely the movie for us! The fact that this fucker has made a career out of writing these shitty movie reviews for nerds to read, rather than actually have a job useful to society, such as punching bag, is disconcerting to say the least. What kind of example does this send to the other super geeks, pretty soon they all will be operating their own shitty websites and then who will fix our computers, work our gas stations and just generally be around for us to ridicule and make us feel better about ourselves. I for one don't want to see that happen not just for me but also for our children's children. So please unless your totally fucktardedand actually think that THX-1138 is an interesting social commentary (you fuckers will love anything by George Lucas wont you, you probably even think Howard the Duck isn't that bad), please don't support Harry Knowles and his shittastic reviews.