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Jason is confusing Cyber Space with Meat Space again and referencing something I'd said at a party regarding England's Channel 5's Greatest Comedy Movies Ever list (not Bravo, as he had thought). Being a fan of British "humour" I figured my top movies would be spot-on with our friends from the island, but instead I was incredibly disappointed by their idea of what is funny when it comes to comedy movies. I'll wait for you to click on the link and we can discuss. First off, some of my favorite comedy movies are thankfully listed. The Blues Brothers, Shaun of the Dead, Life of Brian (my #1 as well), Groundhog Day, Dr. Strangelove, Ferris Beuller, and Spinal Tap. There's also Wayne's World, which is one of those movies one tends to forget about until you see it on some sort of "Greatest Ever Comedy Movies" list and say "yeah, that was a good one!" But I have a beef with a good number of the British population's choices (or at least the population that watches Five.) First off...the animated movies. Southpark, yes. Very funny. But Shrek? Toy Story? The Incredibles? Perhaps rip-roaringly funny if you're seven, a good laugh if you're 12, but faaaar from the funniest things I've seen as an adult. Home Alone, while not animated, is also a kid's movie. Fun on Christmas but not even close to something that comes to mind when I think "greatest ever" and "comedy." That's four slots on their list that could have been filled with Christopher Guest or Mel Brooks. Next is their lust for Ben Stiller and Jim Carey. Dodgeball, There's Something About Mary, Meet the Parents, Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls (not even the original movie!) and Dumb & Dumber. Puh-lease. I am surprised with their love of fart and semen jokes that the list only includes ONE Adam Sandler flick (Happy Gilmore). I'll concede Dodgeball, though, if they must have a Stiller. It is indeed a funny movie. Some more "family" movies I didn't even realize were that funny: Mrs. Doubtfire, Father of the Bride and Men In Black. I also think that American Pie is waaaay to high on the list. #3. Above The Blues Brothers, above Shaun of the Dead...luckilly they were smart enough to put it behind at least Blazing Saddles and Life of Brian. So what do I think is missing? Glad you asked: Airplane!: Absolute comedy gold with more one-liners than you can shake a stick at. Nary a week goes by without me hearing or making an Airplane! reference. Apparently the movie never made it to England, because they managed to find Naked Gun funny but not this. (Naked Gun IS funny, don't get me wrong. But it's no Airplane!) History Of The World Part I: The history of the goddamn WORLD, in comedy format. Hullo! Monty Python and the Holy Grail: Some days this is my favorite comedy movie, some days it's Life of Brian. I'd say this one spawned more catchphrases than Brian and also got more general play. You'd think the Brits would at least give it a top 40 spot with all the French bashing... Young Frankenstein: Do they know Gene Wilder in England? They know Blazing Saddles...why not this? Oh yeah...they've got Stiller. It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World: Nearly THREE HOURS of America's finest comedy legends racing around the desert trying to find "The Big W." What's not to like? Special props to the "updated" version called Rat Race, which holds a very very special place in my heart mainly because it has both John Cleese AND Rowan Atkinson in it. 40 Year Old Virgin: I bet you thought I hadn't seen any new movies in 20 years! Psych! Steve Carell is on fire these days, and Jud Apatow (of Freaks & Geeks and Undeclared fame) never lost his stuff. I was prepared to yawn at this one and ended up busting a gut. Those are some fucking funny movies. England's picks...not so much. It seems as if England is now comprised of soccer moms (footie moms?) and frat boys (soccer hooligans?) Their whole idea and embracing of "alternative comedy" must have left office with Mrs. Thatcher. I mourn for England...

A new report on immigration from the Missouri House is making the staggering claim that abortion leads to a shortage in the American workforce and thus leads to illegal immigration to fill the positions that should have been held by these aborted people. First off - I am not making this up. This is not a joke post. Secondly, the report was created by a "Republican-led legislative panel" so considering the Republican stand on abortion, you can be sure that THEY are not making it up - they truly believe that abortion leads to illegal immigration. With the midterms over and the Republicans scrambling to regain popularity they are trying to wrap three huge domestic issues - immigration, abortion and unemployment - into one little study to show how they are all related, and that the Government truly does care about domestic issues (since they ain't winning any voters over with their messes outside the country). I wasn't aware there even WAS a shortage of American workers. If there is an unemployment rate at all (currently around 4.7%) then there is no shortage. Employers aren't begging people to come work illegally. They're perhaps begging people to come work under the table to avoid withholding taxes or to come work for dirt cheap but the problem there is not a shortage of American workers, it's a shortage of employers willing to pay a living wage and pay taxes on & benefits to their employees. According to the article, National Right to Life estimates 47 billion abortions have been performed since 1973. Committee chairman Ed Emery says "If you kill 44 million of your potential workers, it's not too surprising we would be desperate for workers." Let's see...if we had 44 million more people, we'd probably be more desperate for health care too. Probably more desperate for welfare. We'd probably have a larger population of unfit mothers, drug users, kids crammed in schools, and uhm...unemployed Americans! Since all six of the Democrats on the panel refused to sign the report (one called it "embarassing") and all 10 Republicans signed it, this report clearly smacks of partisanism. Either all of the Republicans are flaming idiots or they are just signing whatever comes through to their "Republican Led Committee" inbox. One Republican panel member, says the linked article, contends that he "didn't recall the report linking abortion and illegal immigration." Unfortunately my Google-fu is as weak as the AP writer's is who broke the story, so we won't be able to read the report ourselves to see if the Republicans possibly came up with a million other reasons why illegal immigration is a growing problem in the US or if they have just settled on abortion. They might as well kill two unwanted birds with one stone, eh? What do you think? Are the Republicans crazy? Are the Dems just trying to make them look crazy? Or is abortion actually a good argument for why illegal immigration is a problem in the United States?

Tom Wilson - aka "Biff" from the Back To The Future - sings a song about the questions he constantly gets asked by fans, as part of his standup act. I think if I met him I WOULD ask him to call my friend a butthead on his answering machine... [youtube]0MNHBON01Uk[/youtube]

Hooray! After 27 years of suffering through being Really Really Fat I have FINALLY been given the answer I was looking for - it is NOT my fault and my fatness is a disease with a name! No, it's not diabetes or hypothyroidism. Those have been around for many years and all Really Really Fat people have been tested for those at least twice in their lives. The new disease is Metabolic Syndrome. It's symptoms are:

• Obesity (particularly around the waist)
• High blood pressure
• High cholesterol
• Insulin resistance

OMG I am so stoked. The Mayo Clinic says if I have any one of these symptoms, I'm totally in the running for Metabolic Syndrome. Now my obesity can be attributed to my high blood pressure and high cholesterol and not the other way around! This Syndrome was brought to my attention by the latest issue of Wired magazine, which usually just tells me about science I can't understand, technology I'll never be able to afford and biological & environmental achievements the government can never get behind. So why are they talking about my Fatness? Well, this new Metabolic Syndrome is a big hit with "Big Pharma" (and Wired loves to write about Big Pharma). Give a group of symptoms a fancy name and the pharmaceutical companies will find a miracle drug for it. Apparently the old name for Metabolic Syndrome - obesity - was just not.....selling. In the Wired article, they cite business owner and Kentuckian Karen Cunningham who gained weight after her pregnancy. She "couldn't shake the weight" and went to "various specialists" to tell her what was wrong. Apparently "lose weight and you won't feel like shit anymore" was NOT the answer she was looking for. Her answer was "Metabolic Syndrome."

The breakthrough came last December when her new endocrinologist diagnosed her with something called metabolic syndrome. She'd never heard of it. As she Googled to learn more, her chronic ailments – the weight, the high blood pressure, the lack of energy – started to make sense. They even seemed treatable. She's now on Glucophage and Avandia (which both regulate blood sugar) and has lost 20 pounds by cutting out carbohydrates. "Getting a diagnosis was a relief," Cunningham says. "I have hope now, whereas I didn't have any before."

Wow ok so you have....the beginnings of Type II diabetes and eat too much sugar and starch. That's pretty much what Dr. Robert Atkins was telling the world for 30 years before he died in 2003. Some people - not all people, but a good chunk of them - have bodies that just can't deal with insulin-raising carbs. Some are diabetic, some are just plain fat. People went berzerk over this claim. Doctors yelled and screamed, scientists wagged fingers. Me, I lost 90 lbs. But fuck all of that healthy eating stuff. I mean, "going on Atkins" means cutting our sugar and starch, eating more low-sugar fruits and veg, and eating whole grains. Yeah, and eating meat too (but not gobs of butter rolled in bacon smothered in cheese). Why should I have to eat like that if there's a PILL that will "cure" me of my new-found disease? You bet your sweet bippy there's a pill, too. Now that Atkins has died things have gotten awful skeevy on the "low carb" frontier. His company is pretty much a manufactured crap food warehouse now. Doctors and scientists are taking his ideas seriously now. But instead of having to claim he was right while he was alive and giving people the non-pharmaceutical way to fight your body's stupidity, they waited until he was dead so there'd be no one around to tell people "just stop eating sugar" so they could instead say "try this magic pill." The new pill is rimonabant. So far, human trials have shown that the only side effects are depression and anxiety. But those also happen to be side effects of being Really Really Fat. So what's the harm? It doesn't quite matter, because now Big Pharma has a disease and a pill to combat this disease. Without a disease, HMOs aren't likely to let you get the pill. And like any drug, doctors are going to be eventually pushed into prescribing it - to quell the pushy pharm reps and to quell their fatass patients who say "nothing I do works." I will come clean and say that while I did lose 90 lbs, I am still fat. I lost 90 and put back on 50 (truth be told, I was still fat after losing 90). Why? Well my body sucks. It's high maintenence. And I am too lazy to maintain it. It's my lot in life that I have a high maintenence body. Some do, some don't. I'm living proof that "get up off your butt and move" doesn't really mean the same for everyone. I could eat and move the same as someone else and probably still be fat. But I recognize the difference. I do have to watch what I eat and I do have to bust my ass. C'est la vie. I didn't gain weight because what I did didn't work for me. I gained weight because I stopped doing what worked for me. Duh. So now it seems that I have a choice. Get back on that high-intensity workout regimen again, or go with the "Metabolic Syndrome" wave and get a pill to fix me. I don't think I'm ready to give up the fight just yet. Maybe it's the Puritan in me that feels like I should be punishing myself for my "failing" instead of taking the insta-cure. The lack of serious side effects (such as bleeding from the eyes and exploding diarrhea) is pretty tempting if you consider some of the side effects of previous "fat" drugs like uh...speed and phen-phen. All you get is some depression (which, like I said, most of "us" already have). But the side effects of ass-kicking exercise are lack of depression and a good night's sleep. Perhaps some weight loss along the way. For now, I'll stick with that and not let myself be pigeonholed into some "disease" which has caused my "affliction." What would you do it you could take a pill and cure your "fat"? Would you do it? Would you even believe it could be possible? Check with me in 20 years, though. If I'm in my late 40's and still fat and single, perhaps I will have changed my mind.

Have you seen WordCount? It's a genius and insigtful project from the mind of, shall we say, Socialogical Computer Programmer Jonathan Harris who's work "involves the exploration and understanding of humans, on a global scale, through the artifacts they leave behind on the Web." Unlike the Googlesmack which pits words and phrases against eachother using the Google search engine (thus, words written by every goober on the Internets), WordCount is a graphical and interactive ranking of the 86,800 most common words in the English language as written by the more lucid world:

WordCount data currently comes from the British National Corpus®, a 100 million word collection of samples of written and spoken language from a wide range of sources, designed to represent an accurate cross-section of current English usage. WordCount includes all words that occur at least twice in the BNC®. In the future, WordCount will be modified to track word usage within any desired text, website, and eventually the entire Internet.

Words can say a lot about a culture - in this case, the English-speaking world. The word "Jesus" is ranked #1845, with "liberal" beating it out by 6 at #1839. "Satan" has gotten seriously behind thee at the 12864th spot. But He Who Is Known By Many Names sneaks up at #4802 as "devil" (right next to "femenist" hmm), and sneaks under the radar at 74281 as "Beezlebub" and #84987 as "Mephisto." "Evolutionism" totally smokes "creationism" at #37974 to #83461. "Intercourse" is still better than "masturbation" at #7533 to #22131. In an odd twist of events, "Palestinian" beats "Jew" #6460 to #12623. What are some good comparisons you can come up with?