Career Advice, Do Not Listen To Crazy People
I found this tidbit of internet the other day and I just felt the need to share with everyone. This site looks nice and professional. In fact they even dare to let their motto be “make an educated decision” while they write articles telling us about five “Weird Careers in the Unknown” which include careers in “Cryptozoology, Ufologist, Parapsychologist, Paranormal Investigator and Conlinguist (unfortunately neither Wikipedia nor Google knows what conlinguism is so I had to direct you to that site, Google suggested I had misspelled cunnilinguist). This site, a college career advice site, feels that it’s okay to tell people who are looking for a new career in these troubling times that becoming a cryptozoologist is an awesome and exciting new career choice. In fact, here is a paragraph from the introduction of this article to explain:
These career paths are not for the faint-hearted. Any of these will almost certainly mean danger, spooky experiences, scanty paychecks, and/or ridicule from the mainstream public. If you think you have what it takes to be the next Fox Mulder, check out the following careers.
Scanty paychecks and/or ridicule? Sign me up right now! And, seriously, the next F0x Mulder? Did no one tell this guy that Fox Mulder was an imaginary character on a Science Fiction TV program and never really existed? What kind of career path is this? How many Paranormal Investigators have to have second jobs to pay the rent? How many Conlinguists (which if you didn’t figure it out yet, these people’s jobs are to create, write and speak fake languages from fictional characters from movies, books and tv shows) need to work at McDonalds just to eat? I think it’s time to scrutinize each section of this guy’s article and then add one more “exciting and fictitious” career to his already lacking list.
Cryptozoology
Let’s first talk about Cryptozoology. Here is a sample of what he says about Cryptozoology, which is the study of “imaginary” mythical creatures. I put imaginary in quotations because that is my addition to the description.
You’ve heard of Sasquatch, the Loch Ness Monster, and the Chupacabra? Cryptozoologists hang out with these guys. Or at least they’d like to.
Wow. What a job description. Here is what dictonary.com says about cryptozoology: The study of creatures, such as the Sasquatch, whose existence has not been substantiated, and Wikipedia says: Cryptozoology has seen very little attention from the mainstream scientific community, and is often classified as pseudoscience because of erratic application of the scientific method. Why would they have to use an “erratic application of the scientific method” if this was real science? Because this is not real science. If these creatures exist then with the large amount of self proclaimed Cryptozoologist wouldn’t we have something better than amateur and/or faked video sightings? Here is one that in the comments on youtube.com authenticates that this is bigfoot and not a yeti, a comment made by the poster and by other viewers.
This is pretty amusing since Penn and Teller (you know I love those guys!) actually had this footage filmed to debunk “Professional Cryptozoologist Bigfoot Hunters”. It’s a guy in an ape suit. Just like Nessy is a submarine toy ship with wood carved to look like a monster placed on the top. People want to believe in crazy stuff. That is okay. I just wish that people wouldn’t waste my tax dollars on it. I mean, who is paying for these “Cryptozoologists” to go on their crazy trips to South America to look for dinosaurs or Scotland for Nessie? They must not make too much money, look at how bad their main website is.
UFOlogy
Moving on, let’s talk about Ufology which is a larger crap pile than Cryptozoology. (I feel like maybe I shouldn’t capitalize these terms, that I am making them more important by doing so, but oh well, just take it as I am mocking them even harder by capitalizing them.) Ufology is the study of UFOs. Now, I am not saying that there are not aliens. What I am saying here is that it is so easy to fake a UFO sighting that any amateur can make a “legitimate” (I use the term loosely) UFO film or take a “convincing” photo. And people just eat this crap right on up. Wikipedia says on the subject “One cannot obtain a “ufology” degree from any college or university, though there have been a few college or university courses on the subject, often from a folklore perspective”. Folklore? Like, for example mythology? It also says:
a lack of funding is a major factor in the institutional disinterest in UFO’s: “If the Air Force were to make available, say, $50 million per year for ten years for UFO research, it is quite likely that the subject would look somewhat less disreputable
No! It’s a lack in public funding that makes this area look scientifically disreputable? I thought it was all the crazy Midwestern Americans who speak of sore rectums and well drawn crop circles. Or maybe the people who also believe in skyfish.
Parapsychology/Paranormal Investigator
The next category was Parapsychologist but it is closely related to Paranormal Investigator so I decided to group these two together for brevity’s sake. Refering back to our original article our author tries his hand at humor while telling us about the exciting career in Parapsychology:
For ages, people have exhibited some unexplainable talents (no, I don’t mean Paris’s appetite for idiocy and self-mockery). I’m talking about reading minds, moving things with pure mental willpower, and seeing things with your mind’s eye from hundreds of miles away.
Oh boy, funny! And I am talking about more crap. Here is his description of your new career as a Paranormal Investigator:
With the success of the Sci Fi TV series Ghosthunters, this field has gained an enormous amount of popularity in the last few years. Death and what happens afterward will always excite a great deal of curiosity. Many people believe they have seen or communicated with spirits from beyond the grave.
Some of the key words I found interesting here: Sci Fi TV Series, and the use of the word ‘believe’. Yes, many people believe they can contact the dead just as many people believe that The King still lives. (I wonder if that is being studied by Cryptozoology, too) And the Sci Fi TV Series? Are we to believe that Battlestar Galatica is a true account since it is on such a reputable channel known for delivering the truth?
So, basically Paranormal Investigators look for the paranormal (insert have no magical powers) while parapsychologists can move thing with their minds (insert have magical powers). Oh boy. Why don’t they just find each other and write crappy books about it? Can a Paranormal Investigator marry a parapsychologist? I was going to put in a youtube video for the episode of Invader Zim where Dib gets to tail a Paranormal Investigator around as career day but unfortunately the interweb is full of retards (the bad kind not the good kind) who make fucking animated music videos with Zim so that I cannot find what I am looking for. Thank you idiots, one and all. I hate you. I mean, they are horrible. Truly.
Conlinguist
So that brings us to Conlinguist. These people, as I mentioned already, translate and speak languages like Klingon. I really don’t think this counts as a career path at all. Unless you run Star Trek Conventions. Our esteemed author states “As one may imagine, there isn’t a lot of demand for conlinguists.” No! I don’t believe it! Learn a real language and do something useful with your life. I don’t even want talk about this it’s so ridiculous.
Pet Psychic
As you can probably tell from the bold highlighting my own personally added topic to this abomination of a career advice article is about the lovable pet psychics who make a buck off of dumb pet lovers. Just as much crap and closely related to Parapsychologists this little section gets it’s own special category because of just how dumb it is. I used to make my husband watch that pet psychic show on Animal Planet just because it drove him crazy the bullcrap that came out of that crazy woman’s mouth. Another Penn and Teller clip on that is just below, please watch.
This website tells us all about how pet psychics work, all the mumbo-jumbo. Basically by using ESP the person can communicate with animals either present, missing or dead. It’s great stuff, isn’t it?
According to pet psychics, electromagnetic energy surrounds and penetrates everything in the universe, much like the force in “Star Wars.” This energy is part of the radio spectrum, but scientists haven’t figured out how to detect it. Pet psychics can use energy to contact animals, no matter how far away the animals are or whether they are still living.
See, pretty much what I just said. The article goes on and talks about all sorts of aspects of the pet psychic’s job but if you want to read it you can go there, I won’t extrapolate on that here. Just keep in mind the article relates pet psychics ESP to using “The Force” from Star Wars.
In closing I will say that I don’t necessarily deny the existence of the unknown. I do wonder why there are so many crazy people in these fields. Not really, actually. I was just trying to make those people I offend feel better. Sorry. The truth is out there, may the power be with you, blah blah blah.
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Ironically there is no translation in the Klingon Database for virgin, which is probably the most useful word for Klingon conlinguists
April 3rd, 2008 at 10:05 am
This is an awesome post. The ghosthunter stuff is so ridiculous… when we were in corporate housing I was surprised to see it all over three or four cable channels. Silly made up crap doesn’t belong on the Discovery channel.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:42 am
The more correct term is “conlanger” not “conlinguist”, which explains why you couldn’t find it on wikipedia.
And the vast majority of actual conlangers consider what they do a hobby, not a career path (Like train-sets, or bird-watching).
April 4th, 2008 at 5:42 am
I’m sorry, I was unaware. Here is the Wikipedia link to conlanger.
April 4th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
[...] is a cute little animation about an alien. My addition to the study of UFOlogy, if you will, even though I didn’t make the video, only found it on [...]
April 5th, 2008 at 8:01 am
I’m sorry, but what do you do with your life except make fun of other people’s career choices? Just to clear things up, Parapsychologists do not necessarily have psychic experiences themselves, they just study the probability of the paranormal actually happening. Paranormal Investigators have jobs on the side because, more often than not, investigating haunted places are their hobbies, not career paths.
Ghost Hunters is a reality show on Sci-Fi; BattleStar Galatica is not. That was a terrible attempt at compare and contrast, but nice try anyway.
It disappoints me that you are so desperate to bitch about something you don’t understand that you are making horrible arguments. Pick up a book sometime, it might expand your mind.
October 17th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
Keighty, I have obviously hit a sore spot with you. Sorry I hurt your delicate paranormal feelings. And what kind of books were you suggesting I read? I actually read a lot. Were you perhaps suggesting something like Ghost Hunters the book or Crazy Conspiracy Theories proved by spooky Paranormal Phenomenon?
And you are right, Battlestar Galactica is a much better show than Ghost Hunters. I didn’t mean to discredit Battlestar.
October 22nd, 2008 at 7:57 am