Mormons, My Obession part 1

What can you possibly have against Mormons? They are such gentle creatures, truly the best definition of passive aggressive. How can anyone be so nice? All the time? It's just not...natural. Anyway, I have decided to inform you about Mormons. It's my civil duty as a scientist of sorts to document these strange human-like creatures. I am just going to fill you in on the main "points" of this 177 year old religion. joseph_smith_first_vision_stained_glass.jpg1. This church was created by Joseph Smith Jr on April 6th 1830 in Western New York. Apparently he was visited God, Jesus and by the Angel Maroni, who is the son of Mormon, an "original" white Native American who was hanging out with Jesus while Jesus was hanging out in North America (Jesus is white, too, in case you were wondering). The stained glass window to the right here shows you the family resemblance that God and Jesus have, proving that Joseph Smith really did speak to them which later helped him to find mythical golden plates and seeing stones called Urim and Thummim (a Hebrew divination process ironically given to Joseph Smith as well) and establish Mormonism. 2. So, our man is visited by such strange visions while praying in the woods, right? God and Jesus. Not just one or the other, but we need both to truly be in awe. God tells Joe that none of the other religions have gotten it right and he needs to correct that. Now, Joe is only 14 at this time, not nearly mature enough to follow orders, so he is told ten years later by the angel Maroni (mentioned above) that he needs to get a shovel and start digging in the hillside for golden tablets that Maroni has recorded the prophecies of Mormon (his dad, if you remember) on before the real Native Americans had wiped out his people. All of them. Convenient? No, this is God we are talking about. Mysterious ways, you know. I mean, if these are God's chosen people and they hung out with the J-man then why let some "heathens" wipe them conveniently out of history with no records at all, nothing ever signifying they existed, like say, I don't know, an abandoned village or maybe some pottery or something? Dental records? Cemeteries? No, they did leave something behind, buried golden tablets with seeing stones for translating purposes. And eventually they would tell someone where to look, not an archaeologist or any of the churches (cause they are all wrong), but good old Joe Smith Jr. 3. Once said golden tablets were translated with the help of said seeing stones and God, Joe Smith Jr somehow convinced some village members that this was not a new religion but the continuation (and the only correct version) of the old religion of Christianity. Now here truly begins the story of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints and the Mormons. Anyway, I think that this will wrap up our beginners course in Mormonology here. In our next class we will talk about the Mormon headquarters and their main beliefs. See, and you felt that no one learned anything on the internet anymore.

  1. Yeah you diddn’t mention the polygamy thing. Apparently it was okay to have mutliple wives. I think when he died Joe Smith had like 37. A lot of them were also 12-15 and even though it was the 1800 it still creepy.

    D Wallz
    March 8th, 2007 at 10:44 am
  2. I had to spend a week in Salt Lake City for work and had a brief obsession with Mormons, too. I highly recommend Trapped by Mormons if you can find it anywhere. And for a very accurate overview of the Mormon story, watch this clip from South Park . It’s legit.

    March 9th, 2007 at 3:11 am
  3. It’s true you can’t give a comprehensive history of the Mormons without mentioning polygamy, but don’t let polygamy color your view of modern Mormons. They haven’t practiced it for over a century, and the few holdouts sprinkled through the Southwest that show up on TV every few years are often creepy guys who have been kicked out of the LDS church.

    March 10th, 2007 at 3:26 pm
  4. [...] already covered the Mormons in some depth, so I won’t rehash, and you can always take a gander at Wikipedia. Instead, let’s take [...]

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