Archive for August, 2006

The Hoeffecation of America

I am writing this expose about a disturbing trend in today’s modern society, namely the Hoeffecation of America. This phenomenon has been steadily gaining in popularity in recent years and shows no signs of slowing down. It is difficult to pinpoint the exact moment that this trend began, but most attribute its emergence to one event in the late nineties. Britney Spears’ first video “Hit Me Baby One More Time�, was the catalyst for the so called Hoe movement. Dressed in a risqué school girl outfit and shaking her coochie for the faculty of the school, Britney showed that by being a total hoe you could become rich and famous. Quickly many young girls jumped on this train and never looked back on actually trying to develop a personality. Today the hoeffecation of America is so prevalent it is impossible to go to any public places or events and not be surrounded by hoes. Hoes today consist of women of every age and race. Elementary school girls now wear belly shirts and hip huggers to school, in order to fit in and not to be ridiculed for not being enough of a hoe. Just go to any major retail store and look at the fashions for girls today. Shirts with sayings like Sexy and Hoochie Mama are the norm. You might ask yourself who is buying these young girls these clothes? The answer, their Hoe Mommas. In order to compete with their younger daughter and still be considered sexy and valuable to society, older women are hoeing it up more than ever. They are easily spotted by their fake orange tans, extremely bleached hair, too much makeup, too tight clothing over their sagging skin and hip huggers revealing C-section scars and stretch marks. The majority of women today look like hoes. Why is it that so many women today feel the need to be a hoe? One possibility is the lack of any positive role models in popular culture. Almost all popular female celebrities in movies, music and TV are hoes. Take for instance Christina Aguilera. She has gone from complete total skank hoe to just sort of a hoe. People have congratulated her for cleaning up her act. A hoe is still a hoe people; the degree of hoeiness is merely subjective. Another example is Nelly Furtado. She started out as a smart, creative and original musician who was popular for her unique songs. Flash forward a few years and one slow selling album later, she has been reinvented as Nelly Furtadhoe. Timbaland has seen fit to remove her of all her uniqueness and has her singing a generic club song about fucking. Unless women are celebrities who guys just want to fuck or groupies who just want to fuck celebrities, they have no place is popular culture. The main force behind the increased Hoeffecation of America is money. Corporations make money by selling clothes, cosmetics and other products to women who feel they need them in order to be considered valuable to society. Sexuality is just another commodity and is now totally separate from a person’s feelings and personality. I am not trying to say that a woman looking sexy is a bad thing, but when the only thing that she cares about is looking sexy and picking up “hotties�, a woman becomes a hoe. Stay tuned for further reports on the Hoeffecation of America. As well as the Doucheffecation of America. Please reply with any comments on the article, unless you are a hoe in which case you are too busy eating a dick to reply.

10 ways to get fired from Wayne Enterprises

One of the more interesting aspects of the Batman / Bruce Wayne character is that in addition to fighting crime, he also runs a large, multinational corporation. Actually, it's not so much interesting as it is an excuse for him to have enough money to constantly buy bat-supplies. But you have to wonder what it must be like to work for Wayne Enterprises. Since you are reading this, instead of doing work, it is probably more pertinent to wonder what it's like to get fired from Wayne Enterprises. Below are 10 ways to get fired from Wayne Enterprises. Note to fanboys: all the items below are strictly in canon (see references in (parenthesis)).
  1. Take the company private via an IPO, then demote Morgan Freeman to the Archives division. No one puts baby in a corner! (reference)
  2. Invent a popular puzzle-based video game, have your unscrupulous boss take all the credit. (reference)
  3. Murder a young boy's parents in from of him. (reference)
  4. Write an email that says Bruce Wayne sucks. (reference)
  5. Write an email that says Batman sucks. (reference)
  6. Write an email that says Bruce Wayne and Batman suck in equal and identical ways (reference)
  7. Violate the code of business conduct and do poorly on your quarterly performance reviews. (reference)
  8. Question the budget item marked “Batmobile tires� (reference)
  9. Cripple Batgirl. Just kidding, that's pretty funny. (reference)
  10. Mention to Bruce that you knew his father. When Bruce asks if you worked for Wayne Enterprises when you were younger, clarify that you meant you knew him in the biblical sense. (reference)

Harry Knowles is a Fat Douche

I am writing about my extreme odious loathing of the fire maned humanoid-like blob of cellulite, Harry Knowles and his ilk. My main problem with him, besides his physical repugnance that would cause the most staunch conservative to support a broad eugenics program, is his crappy uber-nerd inspired "movie reviews". Movie reviews is in quotations because they are not so much reviews as his own retarded opinions on the latest hollywood comicbook/videogame/sci-fi/fantasy novel movie crapfest. His like or dislike of movies are based on his extreme obsessiveness for the movie being as close to the source material as possible (sorry that Wolverine didn't have enough chest hair for your liking shitdick). My other problem is that this so called "film lover" has no idea what even constitutes an actual good movie. His movie knowledge only goes back to 1977 not surprisingly the year the first Star Wars was released (yes I know it is episode IV nerdlings, but to the vast majority of the population that actually has had intercourse no one gives a fuck). Apparently the greatest directors of all time are George Lucas and Stephen Spielberg, fuck those guys like Coppola, Hitchcock, Scorcese, etc. they don't have enough laser swords or nazis on zeppelins to be real auteurs. Evidence of his horrible taste in cinema is shown by his glowing reviews of nearly every crappy hollywood f/x fest that comes his way. Take a look at these movies that he just couldn't stop gushing about: Snakes on a Plane, Lady in the Water, Monster House, Click, Superman Returns, Mission Impossible III, The New World. About the only movie he didn't like was X-Men 3 because apparently it didn't fulfill his masturbatory fantasy of what the Phoenix would look like in real life. Here is an actual quote on why he didn't like the movie, "I continue to be quite fond of Shawn Ashmore’s Bobby Drake – though I’d kill to see him actually ICEMAN out. Ya know? Icing up to deliver a headbutt is just lame to me". My god, MY GOD, people actually go to this site to see if a movie is good or not. Hmm, well here's a plausible senario, Hey honey lets take the kids out to a movie tonight. I wonder what we should see? I've heard that X-Men 3 is good, but I just don't know if its something we would all like. Let me just go onto the internet and look at aintitcool.com to see what that genius of cinematic critique, and chromosomal abomination, Harry Knowles has to say about it. Uh oh, apparently Iceman doesn't acutally ICEMAN out in the movie. He just ices up to deliver a headbutt. But hey Harry loved Click, he said about the one part "Specifically, I liked that gag of pausing, moving the one kid’s arm down, and the ball smacking that fucking kid right in the face. To me… hitting a little defenseless boy in the face with a baseball and humiliating him, without that kid knowing how or why he’d just been smacked in the face… Well, that’s comedy. (actual quote, I could not make up shit this fucking retarded if I tried, in fact I've just come up with a new term to describe Harry Knowles writing style, Fucktarded)", thats definitely the movie for us! The fact that this fucker has made a career out of writing these shitty movie reviews for nerds to read, rather than actually have a job useful to society, such as punching bag, is disconcerting to say the least. What kind of example does this send to the other super geeks, pretty soon they all will be operating their own shitty websites and then who will fix our computers, work our gas stations and just generally be around for us to ridicule and make us feel better about ourselves. I for one don't want to see that happen not just for me but also for our children's children. So please unless your totally fucktardedand actually think that THX-1138 is an interesting social commentary (you fuckers will love anything by George Lucas wont you, you probably even think Howard the Duck isn't that bad), please don't support Harry Knowles and his shittastic reviews.

Economic patriotism

I've never been one to wave the flag. Yes, maybe I take living in the United States for granted sometimes, but if you play the cards you're dealt, you don't whine when you get a couple aces. But reading Daniel Howes's article in the Detroit News today about Washington's attitude toward Detroit's number one industry has me thinking about some recent comments by Bob Lutz, GM's main product man and a longtime employee of the global auto industry. Lutz - born in Switzerland, I might add - gave a rousing speech defending the concept of "economic patriotism" and noting that we as Americans simply suck at it. Who more exemplifies how economically unpatriotic we are as Americans than big man George Bush himself, who, as Howes mentioned,
won't meet with the bosses of General Motors Corp., Ford Motor Co. and the Chrysler Group. But he'll sit astride a Harley, visit a Nissan truck plant, herald the Toyota engine that won the Indy 500, campaign for Republicans and then have his press secretary swear there's no snub of Detroit.
Sure, he drives a big 'ol pickup at his ranch in Texas and Cadillac builds his limos, but those press opps mean nothing when he won't say carburetor to Rick Wagoner, Tom LaSorda and Bill Ford. Should GM, Ford and the Chrysler part of DaimlerChrysler receive some sort of relief package along the lines of the bailout Chrysler got in 1979? Considering the current government's track record with the airline bailouts, probably not a good idea. But that does raise a good question: Why were we quick to hand checks and concessions over to the airlines ("You wanna legally probe passengers? Well, okay!"), but any specter of doing the same for the automotive industry immediately meets boos and hisses? And yes, the domestics got in over their heads with pensions and with concessions to the unions. They've got to figure a way out of that hole. When GM appoints one of its top honchos specifically to deal with the issue, you know 1) it big problem, and 2) they takin it seriously. And yes, it has become difficult to discern domestic from foreign lately, with Nissan building cars in Tennessee, BMW building in South Carolina and GM and Chrysler building in Canada. I grew up in Central Ohio, where Honda's Marysville plant drew workers from an hour and a half away and suppliers employed thousands. The real factors underneath this problem, though, lie in Americans' perception of its own automotive industry. We now give it the short-shrift, look on it with the same despicable frowns as we gave the imports 25 years ago, and blame poor sales on poor quality, irrelevant products and that hangnail you got on the test drive. But keep in mind that Toyota's currently going through a million-car recall, the Ford F-series pickups have outsold even the VW Beetle over each respective lifespan and initial quality studies mean crap outside of the dealer's lot. Am I here to tell you which cars to buy? No. Am I here to tell you something more than your immediate satisfaction hangs on the line? Yes. Now you tell me why you bought your car.

100 Projects

I decided to name my little ideas here so that every time I write about the top 100 Sci-fi list it's going to be listed under "fill in the blank", Top 100 fantasy will be "awesome catchy title" and top 100 sci-fi movies will be "insert really good name here". Obviously, I have not thought of good names yet and was wondering if people would give me some suggestions. Also, I have made a few decisions about how the point system will work. Now, don't hate on me later if I change it, I have never done anything like this before. I figure that I will start out on this system and if I find something that works better, I will make appropriate changes. Basically here is what I was thinking. There are currently five areas of focus. So, How about a basic 100 point system (to keep with the 100 theme. Clever, don't you think? You didn't even notice!). So, with five areas that would make it about, let's see, 20 points a category. See, my schooling did pay off. Just to give an example of how it might work: Fictitious book title. Synopsis (short if possible) Category 1: Readability-15 out of 20 My explanation of why it rated so... Category 2: Story Quality - 10 out of 20 My explanation… (more categories) Summary and questions to the public about something in the book, topics of conversation So, I think that is basically how it will work. Any suggestions? Also, kids, don't forget to help me think of names!!!